Trying Again

Well, it was a bit easier this time.

At least I could look him in the eye when he handed me the syringe.  We tried both yesterday and today.  We're supposed to be trying tomorrow and again on Monday.  I thought since my last cycle was longer than normal, that we should try again late enough that if it is a twenty-nine day cycle it would be at the right time.

Now it is time to hope and pray.  I know I need to be thankful for the fact that S is willing to help me.  I truly am.  I didn't mean to be complaining last time - just venting a bit.

Next Steps

I have started taking supplements - trying to decide if I should be taking additional folic acid, calcium and fish oil as there's less folic acid and calcium and no fish oil in these than there was in my women's one-a-day pre-natal. Any thoughts?? - and there's a special tea to drink three times each day.

I also had some supplements delivered to S. His supplements were more than mine - there's three different ones. Helps with motility, boosting the count and another area that escapes me at the moment.

I've booked my airfare to ATL for the 1st - 3rd. I've never had Fair Day be so very important! 

Now I just need to start my next cycle like clockwork - which happens sometimes. And sometimes it doesn't.  There are times when I'm early; a handful of times that I was late. A few days late would actually be okay.  Isn't it grand to realize that the stress of hoping that all goes to plan may be the very thing that insures that it doesn't?? I enjoyed irony more when I was reading my lit courses in university than in application to my own life!

Need a New Doctor...

My doctor visit didn't go very well last week... I hadn't realized that my doctor was not just suggesting the CA Cryobank for convenience or whatever. He really, really doesn't like the idea of a known donor. When he asked if I had used "the gentleman's help from Georgia", his tone made it painfully clear that he did not like the idea. 

I had been in to see him in May to get checked - FSH, Progesterone and Estradiol. He claimed to be impressed that I was so very well informed about options and what I needed to do to be ready.  All the tests checked out well. And we had discussed next steps before he referred me to other doctors as he was going to be traveling over the summer.  

But this visit his distaste seemed more overt.  Is it just me or is it really not his job to approve or disapprove the way I want to choose half of the DNA that makes a child??  Why is it that just because I am single, I am disallowed from making the choice to see what I am getting into as far as the father is concerned? 

I understand that there is potential to muddy things up, but S and I don't have that kind of friendship.  He will not be suing (not sure about the spelling on that) me for custody and I'm not going to go after him for support. He is going to be named on the birth certificate and there will never be a time that my child will not be fully aware of who he is. He is me best friend. Even if I was going to go have a baby another way, I'd still expect S to be involved if only because he will be involved in my life...  

I guess justifying / defending myself is something I have to get used to doing. Doing something so unorthodoxly invites criticism. So it's a good thing that I've thought this through and have done so over and over during the past two and a half years.

So I'm going to need a new OB because I would prefer not to face that each visit. Or am I being too sensitive? 

Also, on the advice of one of the SMC bloggers I am looking at supplements. I am trying to look ahead to the next cycle and am concerned that my fertile period is the weekend before I am supposed to be in Atlanta.  Trying to work up the courage, find the money to buy an additional ticket for the Saturday through Monday before I fly in for the pride celebration on Wednesday. Monday is fair day at school - the fair is a big deal in Texas - at least the Dallas area.

Confused

My friends are always giving me a hard time because I am so very literal. If someone says he or she is going to do something, I consider it done. 

If you are over a week late in having your period and are having other symptoms then shouldn't the test reflect that?? Because it doesn't. When I tested yesterday, it was negative.

And so I did what I imagine we all do - cried a bit and then went searching for answers online. There's a lot of scary information online. If you are more than a week late with a negative test it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  Um, no, please... Or there is the chance of a hysterical pregnancy - I don't feel crazy, but then I would hardly be the best person to ask, would I??

All the info I read said call your doctor. Which I did this morning and his office said that it isn't unusual to have a pregnancy test give a false negative.  They don't seem concerned at all. Well, it's not like this is happening for the first time to them! They probably get this everyday. But for me this is a big deal!! I. Don't. Know. What's. Going. On. I have an appointment next Friday morning - late morning, second week of school and I'm asking to leave in the middle of the day - my principal so did not love that... 

Confusing - because there is supposed to be an order to this. I hadn't been feeling any real urgency to take the test because I knew I was pregnant. I'm never late, I know my cycle, etc... Also, I have never tested well when using fertility monitors or OPKs.  I was afraid I wasn't ovulating at all anymore based on the - not so clear or easy but still blue - fertility monitor I was using in the spring. The doctor tested my levels and everything was fine. But now I am wondering again if maybe I drink too much water to get accurate levels for both the LH and the hCG. Sorry if that's too much information.

S e-mailed me yesterday. It was really sweet - not at all the "how dare you leave me hanging when you'd told me two weeks" message that I deserved. He just said that he missed visiting and could I drop him a line or give him a call as soon as I had a chance.  He was so great. I really have missed visiting with him. I wish we lived closer together. I told him what was going on and he was very matter of fact that if this doesn't work out we'll try again. I just hadn't wanted to call until I knew for sure one way or the other. What a relief to hear him say we'd try again! He and his partner just met a gay couple that have two kids with a lesbian couple and it was interesting to hear about the family dynamics and how they ended up getting pregnant. It kind of makes this feel a bit more normal to hear personally about someone else's journey.

I remain convinced that I am exceedingly blessed in my friends. I have quite a few friends locally that have been so patient to talk me through the panicky times. Try to keep calm and centered... In positive news, if I'm pregnant, my baby has four chambers in his now pumping heart and will be hard at work as the major organs start to develop this next week. He'll have eyes, nose and the beginnings of ears, arms and legs. Wow! Unbelievable!

Life's Funny...

The first time I ever discussed this very situation with S - just in passing - was sixteen years ago.  I had just found out a few months before that he and my best friend at the time were gay. 

S and I weren't close at that time. In fact, he intimidated me; he seemed super smart. He was the best accompanist at our university while he was still a student. But his partner was my best friend and I wasn't giving that up just because they inexplicably moved to Little Rock. My voice teacher told me not to be stupid. They're gay. But that idea was completely out of my realm of thinking. I'd never considered that the people at our small Christian school could be gay!! I finally got up the courage to ask J and he was honest with me. I was stunned and didn't talk to them again for probably two or three months. When school started again, a friend and I drove down to LR to visit them. Because she was there and they weren't out to her, they gave a stellar straight performance that had me thoroughly confused by the time we drove back to school. I remember calling them and asking, you are gay, right? J laughed and said they'd had lots of practice hiding it.

The next time I drove down to visit I was by myself. They were still very careful in front of me. Each time I'd visit things would get a little more relaxed but I think it was still over a year before they did anything so scandalous as to kiss when I was in the room.  

S has always been one for big gestures. He likes expensive things: food, wine, electronic equipment, etc... He wants the best and likes to celebrate. He also likes to have big discussions over dinner. There we were in a nice - well, college nice - restaurant and he decided we were going to deal with the elephant in the room. He turns to me and wants to know what questions I might have and I'm mortified that we're discussing this in public!! (It had only been six months or so, I had changed some or I wouldn't have been at that table... just not very much.) 

Then in the parking lot, teasing me, S asked if I'd have their baby when they decided they wanted one. Fourteen years later I turned the question back on him.

Two years later and my fingers are crossed. I'm aware a lot could still go wrong. But today all indications are still positive.

By the way, a couple of times I've had someone from Germany reading my blog... 

It's a bit strange to think of my thoughts being read by someone in Europe. 

My HS German is really poor - I took it more to get the diction down for the Lieder - and I do realize you probably speak English more properly than we do here... But I want to try:

Um mein Freund aus Deutschland:

Willkommen und vielen Dank

Strange New World

I think perhaps the most surreal experience in my life has got to have been tonight...

Just discussing the logistics of "what's next" this afternoon was difficult enough. But sitting up here and waiting - knowing that my best friend and his lover were going to be performing for me was "curiouser and curiouser" - as if I suddenly took a sharp turn and found myself with a part to play in someone else's life. As if I haven't been preparing for this very moment for over two years!

Then hearing the knock on the bedroom door and facing my dear friend, the man I've known 20 years, as he hands me a syringe with his sperm and apologizes that there isn't more. (I think that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life!!)

That was one of the more awkward experiences I've had. A kiss, he wished me good luck changed it to break a leg (can you tell we're still ultimately performers?)  then finished with I don't really know what to say... And that probably sums it up the best because I don't know what to say either.  I do know I'm very blessed. What an amazing friend I have.

I have read many stories on the blogs from Jellybean Mama's 13 month journey for her home insemination to Jennifer and Tate's done in one.  Obviously, Jennifer and Tate's story is a favorite!!  This cycle is the last one before school starts back.  So I am hoping for a miracle.  Because from what I've read - how many things have to be just so - it is truly a miracle that anyone conceives!