So much has been happening...

That I just kept putting off writing it down.  I kept thinking I'd do it later.  

I made it through what seemed like milestones to me.  Check off having the mock transfer.  Check off going around my principal and actually getting medical leave from school from HR.  Check off starting to give myself injections.  Check off starting the monitoring and bloodwork.  Check off telling my mother the news of what I was trying to do.  Check off getting transportation arranged and getting my injections in before boarding my flight.

But I hit a snag with the monitoring and bloodwork.  My estrogen levels aren't high enough and my follicles aren't growing.  Despite the fact that I am on day ten of the most aggressive drug protocol.  I am not responding.  I am stuck.  

Today, the doctor advised that we cancel this cycle.  There is no point in going forward.  In fact, there may not be any point in trying anything else.  There is only one other protocol that is used as a last resort, he said, and there's a 50% chance that I end up right where I am now.  He really recommends using donor eggs.  So donor eggs and donor sperm...  

My mother called me this past Monday to tell me that the news of what I was doing "devastated" my father.  She needed me to understand, she said, what I was putting him through.  I told her that I only had a 1 in 10 chance of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term.  She and Dad had a 9 in 10 chance that I wouldn't be able to do so.  I just can't stomach the thought of seeing them knowing that, for them, this is good news.

I am tired.  I so wanted a child of my own.  I know adoption and the donor programs are great.  I know from my classroom that you don't have to be related to a child to love that child.  I know it's selfish.  But I wanted my own.  One that was mine.  That said I have been on this earth and made a difference.  One that would feel the connection to me of blood, of belonging.  One that I could think had my eyes or hair, my love of music, other family quirks.  One that I could share my stories of my grandparents journeys and lives with.  After 17 years of taking care of other peoples' children, watching some people without a thought or care have one after the other - one mom described it as a welfare raise - I wanted one for me, all for me, from the start.  Knowing now that that cannot happen is very hard.

I cannot believe that I put this off to the point that I no longer have a chance.  I feel like my body, my system, has betrayed me.  Which sounds so dumb.  I know that sounds melodramatic.  It's not like I am making a conscious choice.  I feel like I suck.  I am failing at something that is supposed to be natural.  I am broken as a woman.  I bear the mark of the curse each month but won't be able to benefit from the good that can come from that.  I cannot tell how many fifth grade girls I've had conversations with along the lines of, "yes it does suck to have this pain but do you want kids someday in the future? Yes. Well, this part stinks but someday you'll be glad to have gone through it."  This is awful.  I'm so disappointed.  I knew my odds weren't great but I thought I'd at least get the chance to try.  1 in 10 shifted to 0.  And more dreams are dying.

Last year, I had a fifth grade girl in one of my classes think she was pregnant.  Eleven years old and the mother's response, when she was told that the girl had written a note to her boyfriend saying the "scare" was over, was just that her elder sister had had a baby at fifteen and she probably would too.  No problems. Just a baby having a baby.  No need to discuss that with her daughter.  12 or 15 what does it matter when they have the baby...  Seems to me that there's a big difference there.  Can you imagine a pregnant fifth grader?  Does it make anyone else angry that someone like that can have four or five kids but so many of us can't even get one?

This school is a mess...

I just don't get this place...  I mean, this school is really upside down.  Yesterday was mostly a typical day.  But the day ended with a really rough bang.  

A couple of weeks ago, my Friday second grade class devolved into a sharing time: why my father is in prison.  Not what was on my lesson plans for that day, I promise.  And out of the 17 students present - we had a few out sick and one in trouble - 13 of the students had fathers either currently in or recently released from prison.

I've tried to be especially careful of keeping our class on track since then.  Sticking to procedures, not leaving time for off-topic ventures.  Part of our daily routine is to have a student read our music room principles (5 rules) and then we have a check list we do as a class.

Yesterday's reader was messing around with the recorder that was sitting on the chalk board rail and another student said that he should leave it alone.

Reader - in front of the entire class - F*** it.

Me - what did you just say?

Reader - repeats what I thought he'd said.

Me - on the phone to the office - just wanted to check, I know we don't do office referrals often, but is this one? - explains what has happened...

Office - no, we'll handle it after school.

So I speak with the classroom teacher after school and she tells me: nothing will be done.  She points to a picture on her desk and says that boy had been in the office for a two hour time out and a slap to his wrist for asking a girl in his class to "suck [his] cock"

THESE ARE 8 YEAR OLDS!!!!!

The upside down part is that the teachers are in trouble all the time.  I'm worried about every little thing.  I have gained weight since starting at this school.  Am constantly on edge and stressed.  And I am being evaluated some time in the next eleven school days...

Scare

So as I was cleaning up on Thursday after the PTA program I found something.  

My heart stopped and I just wanted to quit. To say to God, "I'm done.  I can't take anymore.  I don't understand why this is all happening!!  I don't think you realize how close I am to shattering into millions of pieces!"  

There was a lump.

I waited to get into the doctor and, for the first time I can remember, did not enjoy the clocks being set back - because I just wanted it over with; I didn't need an extra hour to worry!  I did research online - what chance is there of getting pregnant if I have to have treatments... Because I do that - go from finding a lump to thinking about freezing eggs or embryos. 

I had an appointment this afternoon and the doctor is sending me to an imaging center for an ultrasound - not the type I'd hoped to be having about now.  She is cautiously saying that she doesn't think it's a concern but the ultrasound will tell us more information.  

But just having this happen is making me look at my life differently.  I am so careful with my money - which can be a good thing certainly, but part of the point to having financial resources is to use them.  Saturday I went out for lunch - I didn't care that I was sitting in the cafe alone, I wanted to eat there and I wanted dessert.  So I had it.  I need to live.  I want a baby but I need to treasure what I do have and not take for granted that I have infinite time to make my dreams reality.

Not this time...

Well I started this evening.  I'd been feeling like I was going to for over a week now.  So I wasn't all that surprised to see this.  What I don't understand is how I have gone from being so very regular that I could almost predict the time of day I'd start to now varying by weeks?  I don't understand why this area that I had thought would be a strength for me is now out of whack.  Is this normal?  What am I doing wrong?

AF is coming...

I am feeling pretty bad - cramping, back pain, etc...  I know that getting pregnant isn't an easy thing.  I just feel such a panic about it!  Which of course makes it even more difficult.  

I am also so frustrated about work. I feel like I've been dropped in this horrible school and had my support system ripped out from under me.  Today I had a fifth grade student challenge me in front of his class.  I took up his watch when the alarm went off and he told me he "best get [his] watch back by the end of the day."  If a student had spoken to me at my other schools that would have been an office referral.  I went to see the principal - I haven't gone to see him about any discipline issues, I would think that would count for something - and was met with a closed door.  He always has his office door closed with a don't disturb sign on it.  I'm used to having my principals available.  Not him.  I finally was able to catch him at the end of the day and he told me that the student was obviously "testing me" and needed a detention.  Really?  Testing me? A student?  You think?  Yes please read the sarcasm in there.  Of course he was testing me and he sees that all I can give him, even when I get the office involved, is an fing detention!!  In my last school, I heard the principal ream students out for being disrespectful - tell them that being in class is a privilege and if they're not going to be courteous, they won't be there...  It's a different world here.  It's a LOUSY world in this school.

Yesterday night I was talking to my mother about the amazing stories I've read from others' blogs and how supportive the families are.  How I wished my family could want me to have my dreams too.  Mom said of course she wants that but how about I fall in love and get married first - and I started to be a smart ass.  I started to pop back with the comment, "Wow! What a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that?!?" I just pulled back from saying it.  But I was so annoyed.  Like this was plan A.

In the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers asked if I was losing weight and in the Biggest Loser competition and I told her that I hadn't joined as I'd been hoping for a reason to be gaining weight.  She wanted to know details and I just said I'd been trying with a friend and she wanted to know if my "friend" was a girl.  I replied, "Are you asking me if I'm gay?"  I mean seriously!  Not something I had to go through at my former schools.  She tried to back pedal - no, I just wondered if you were working with a girl (I said it'd be pretty hard to get sperm without some guy involved) - but I told her that although the friend I am trying with is gay I am not.  Then she wanted to know how that works... Seriously, we're not even on a first name basis and you think you can ask questions like that??

And so, tonight, I am feeling yucky as I can feel the symptoms of my period, angry that it seems like - according to the family and others - I don't qualify as a parent in God's requirements even though others are able to keep a Christian belief in God and still get pregnant on their own and disheartened by the lack of friends or even friendliness at work...  Many years ago, I had to take anti-depressants.  I got myself off the meds because I knew that that was not what I wanted to be taking when I was trying to conceive.  I was in such a better place mentally.  Now, I just feel like the security I had has been ripped from me.  Like I'm being taunted with a "Ha, you thought it would work out! Let's see what you try now."

Insecurities and Idiocy

So have you ever been a complete and utter idiot because you were feeling insecure in some way?  If your reality is based on your perceptions and your perceptions are off than your analysis is screwed...  And, you know what, it really doesn't matter that you are being reassured that that is not what's happening - because it is how you feel and that makes it real.  Then again, what if it is real? What if it's even worse? What if you discover that what you thought was the worry isn't nearly as important as what is happening?

Maybe, I shouldn't be so trusting...

The Best Laid Plans...

Well... I'm late and disgusted with myself! I thought that the one thing I had going for me - on this trying to get pregnant on my own venture - was that for the past two and a half years as I've tracked my cycles was the fact that I am so very regular.  But the past several months where I had the opportunity to try and make this dream come true have been different. July went like clockwork but I hesitated to book it prior to starting my cycle.  But the next month, I just went for making the plans - because, after all, the last month had been fine.  And that month I was two days early...  So fastforward to now: I booked my airfare for next weekend assuming that I would be starting my cycle on Thursday - I was actually concerned based on how I felt that I might start early on Tuesday.  But today is day 29 - three days late and holding! So I cancelled my flight for next weekend and have discovered that $15 for traveler's insurance would have been better than the $75 cancellation fee.

Sometimes I think that God must be laughing at me.

Sadness

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” 

~Elizabeth Stone

I think that I have my answer for now.  I think I was pregnant and I think I'm losing him...  I know that there is some bleeding sometimes during the first trimester but I don't think that's what this is. All the hurt, confusion and ups and downs before this pales in comparison to what this feels like. I feel so out of control. I feel like my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do.  I know intellectually that there is nothing I could have done but I can't seem to believe it. I don't want this. I want to go back 24 hours or even 8 hours to where I was thinking about what might be happening. Some days, life really, really hurts.

I guess that the risk of having your heart broken starts as soon as you start to try to conceive - even before that child is, the dream has a life of it's own.

Confused

My friends are always giving me a hard time because I am so very literal. If someone says he or she is going to do something, I consider it done. 

If you are over a week late in having your period and are having other symptoms then shouldn't the test reflect that?? Because it doesn't. When I tested yesterday, it was negative.

And so I did what I imagine we all do - cried a bit and then went searching for answers online. There's a lot of scary information online. If you are more than a week late with a negative test it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  Um, no, please... Or there is the chance of a hysterical pregnancy - I don't feel crazy, but then I would hardly be the best person to ask, would I??

All the info I read said call your doctor. Which I did this morning and his office said that it isn't unusual to have a pregnancy test give a false negative.  They don't seem concerned at all. Well, it's not like this is happening for the first time to them! They probably get this everyday. But for me this is a big deal!! I. Don't. Know. What's. Going. On. I have an appointment next Friday morning - late morning, second week of school and I'm asking to leave in the middle of the day - my principal so did not love that... 

Confusing - because there is supposed to be an order to this. I hadn't been feeling any real urgency to take the test because I knew I was pregnant. I'm never late, I know my cycle, etc... Also, I have never tested well when using fertility monitors or OPKs.  I was afraid I wasn't ovulating at all anymore based on the - not so clear or easy but still blue - fertility monitor I was using in the spring. The doctor tested my levels and everything was fine. But now I am wondering again if maybe I drink too much water to get accurate levels for both the LH and the hCG. Sorry if that's too much information.

S e-mailed me yesterday. It was really sweet - not at all the "how dare you leave me hanging when you'd told me two weeks" message that I deserved. He just said that he missed visiting and could I drop him a line or give him a call as soon as I had a chance.  He was so great. I really have missed visiting with him. I wish we lived closer together. I told him what was going on and he was very matter of fact that if this doesn't work out we'll try again. I just hadn't wanted to call until I knew for sure one way or the other. What a relief to hear him say we'd try again! He and his partner just met a gay couple that have two kids with a lesbian couple and it was interesting to hear about the family dynamics and how they ended up getting pregnant. It kind of makes this feel a bit more normal to hear personally about someone else's journey.

I remain convinced that I am exceedingly blessed in my friends. I have quite a few friends locally that have been so patient to talk me through the panicky times. Try to keep calm and centered... In positive news, if I'm pregnant, my baby has four chambers in his now pumping heart and will be hard at work as the major organs start to develop this next week. He'll have eyes, nose and the beginnings of ears, arms and legs. Wow! Unbelievable!

Feeling Blue Today

So this morning I woke up to a familiar back ache - not one that I've been trying to attribute to implantation or any other crazy thing. This ache is accompanied by cramps and the knowledge that early next week, my cycle will be starting again.

In a nutshell, I failed.

And I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not even. But I was so hoping. I was so hoping that in this I would be lucky, blessed, unbelievably fortunate. I was clinging to the stories I've read from those that were successful on that first try. The ones that beat the odds; so, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm younger than some that I've read about. My FSH level is great, my hormone levels were all fine...  But I didn't.

So many people knew exactly why I was going to visit S in GA. Now comes the process of telling them all that 'no, it didn't happen.' I'll need to call S and say a big thank you for what you did but can we please reschedule that? Would you by any chance be willing to come here - because I can't leave on the Friday of the first week of school. I can't believe I didn't use my opportunities better this summer!

I feel kind of empty, a bit angry, a little like I'm the punch line to a joke.  It hurt earlier this summer to lose the school I'd been at for years to someone new to the district. But I knew that the job - wherever it was - did not hold the importance of this goal. The only clearly pertinent detail with the job is that as a single parent I needed to hold on to one. Wherever they assigned me to teach, I need to do well there regardless of where it is. It still hurt to know that the perfect opportunity seemed to be lost but it was not in any way as big a deal as this. This hurts - and it sounds stupid to feel so hurt when I know it wasn't truly real outside of my head. It doesn't just sound stupid - that actually sounds crazy, doesn't it??

And I know, that I can try again.  This is just a "bump in the road" after all. I can handle the embarrassment of calling S, admitting that it didn't work and asking for his help again.  And there's just the tiniest part that is hoping I'm wrong and I don't start my cycle next week.

There are at least two choice moms that I've been reading the blogs of that have received blows in the last 24 hours. Shannon at Chasing Rainbows has just learned that her precious 3 month old has a tumor on his lung. Claire from With All My Heart had her beautiful Carys not pass her hearing tests.  My heart breaks for them.  These ladies have a right to be beating on God's door...

Stuck!!

Almost immediately after I posted about the wonderful experience of meeting with my proposed teaching partner at the joy-filled school I've been assigned to for next year - I received a text from my former teaching partner. She had resigned and I should call our principal about the full-time music job.  I cannot express what relief I felt that I would not have to go through with the scary year that seemed to be stretching before me.

Reasonably early the next morning, I called my principal and then the music coordinator.  I left a message with my principal - Fridays are days off in the summer. But the surprise was with the other call. My coordinator had no idea why I would think that I should go back to the school - my new assignment was final - in her mind, I think, I was being defiant or difficult. She actually stated that "it sounded like I was just pulling words out of the air" which totally took me off guard! (It also hurt my feelings that she seemed to think I'd make stuff up and BS to get my way.) In my mind, I was thinking I'd be the best option for the kids. It seemed very logical. The kids had already been upset by losing their half-time music teacher; now, they'd be losing both of us. After explaining my thought processes, she begrudgingly said she could understand why I'd think that but didn't believe there was any chance that HR would want to re-file the paperwork. I asked her, please, to see what she could do. And then, Monday morning I showed up at the campus, resume in hand, to speak to my principal. Again - from my principal this time - I was told that HR does not like to move people around after the paperwork has been filed.  The problem was timing - if this had happened in May or June, no problem. But July was too late to be making changes.

Except that four days later seven different assistant principals have been shifted within the district - some crossing from secondary to elementary. Apparently, on some occasions, it is okay to make changes and re-file paperwork.

And now I am stuck - emotionally. I was okay. I was resigned to the new situation - not excited but I knew if I wanted my job (which I very much do!) that I needed to suck it up and deal. I did not have a choice. There was no other option! But now, it's different. Because there is an option: I could be back at the campus I spent my afternoons for the last three years, the one where I know the kids and have friends in the staff, the one where I know what the expectations are, the one that is only ten minutes from home instead of thirty-five... My heart does not want to move on. I am stuck and I'm angry. I don't understand why the seemingly "perfect opportunity" presents itself only to be told there is no way it can work. All the reasons why it seems like the best solution are playing on a loop in my head!!

I'm actually scared about what will happen at this new campus when I am able to get pregnant. Which I so hope and pray does happen quickly - that is the next step in my plan. But as a teacher, I am in a unique field and teach in a conservative area.  When I first started considering going down this path I sounded out my principals about what they thought of having a single mother on the staff. Not just an "oops, I'm single but got pregnant" mother but a "single mother by choice". You see, if I lose my job because my principal doesn't agree with my choices, well that will fubar the whole dream. And both responded positively -  along the lines of "it's not my business" and "I've had someone on my staff make that choice before - no problem". But what will this new person's response be?? Principals are so powerful within their schools.

 I've pretty much decided I'm not going to talk with this principal until after I'm pregnant. I don't know him; have no relationship with him. I don't think that would be the best opening statement... But I do know of a teacher that was fired for being pregnant out of wedlock - it was over ten years ago - but it happened in a district nearby. Just because something isn't right, doesn't mean it won't happen.