So much has been happening...

That I just kept putting off writing it down.  I kept thinking I'd do it later.  

I made it through what seemed like milestones to me.  Check off having the mock transfer.  Check off going around my principal and actually getting medical leave from school from HR.  Check off starting to give myself injections.  Check off starting the monitoring and bloodwork.  Check off telling my mother the news of what I was trying to do.  Check off getting transportation arranged and getting my injections in before boarding my flight.

But I hit a snag with the monitoring and bloodwork.  My estrogen levels aren't high enough and my follicles aren't growing.  Despite the fact that I am on day ten of the most aggressive drug protocol.  I am not responding.  I am stuck.  

Today, the doctor advised that we cancel this cycle.  There is no point in going forward.  In fact, there may not be any point in trying anything else.  There is only one other protocol that is used as a last resort, he said, and there's a 50% chance that I end up right where I am now.  He really recommends using donor eggs.  So donor eggs and donor sperm...  

My mother called me this past Monday to tell me that the news of what I was doing "devastated" my father.  She needed me to understand, she said, what I was putting him through.  I told her that I only had a 1 in 10 chance of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term.  She and Dad had a 9 in 10 chance that I wouldn't be able to do so.  I just can't stomach the thought of seeing them knowing that, for them, this is good news.

I am tired.  I so wanted a child of my own.  I know adoption and the donor programs are great.  I know from my classroom that you don't have to be related to a child to love that child.  I know it's selfish.  But I wanted my own.  One that was mine.  That said I have been on this earth and made a difference.  One that would feel the connection to me of blood, of belonging.  One that I could think had my eyes or hair, my love of music, other family quirks.  One that I could share my stories of my grandparents journeys and lives with.  After 17 years of taking care of other peoples' children, watching some people without a thought or care have one after the other - one mom described it as a welfare raise - I wanted one for me, all for me, from the start.  Knowing now that that cannot happen is very hard.

I cannot believe that I put this off to the point that I no longer have a chance.  I feel like my body, my system, has betrayed me.  Which sounds so dumb.  I know that sounds melodramatic.  It's not like I am making a conscious choice.  I feel like I suck.  I am failing at something that is supposed to be natural.  I am broken as a woman.  I bear the mark of the curse each month but won't be able to benefit from the good that can come from that.  I cannot tell how many fifth grade girls I've had conversations with along the lines of, "yes it does suck to have this pain but do you want kids someday in the future? Yes. Well, this part stinks but someday you'll be glad to have gone through it."  This is awful.  I'm so disappointed.  I knew my odds weren't great but I thought I'd at least get the chance to try.  1 in 10 shifted to 0.  And more dreams are dying.

Last year, I had a fifth grade girl in one of my classes think she was pregnant.  Eleven years old and the mother's response, when she was told that the girl had written a note to her boyfriend saying the "scare" was over, was just that her elder sister had had a baby at fifteen and she probably would too.  No problems. Just a baby having a baby.  No need to discuss that with her daughter.  12 or 15 what does it matter when they have the baby...  Seems to me that there's a big difference there.  Can you imagine a pregnant fifth grader?  Does it make anyone else angry that someone like that can have four or five kids but so many of us can't even get one?

Something New

Shady Grove Reproductive Science Center has very diverse - to me - services within its clinic.  

Monday I had my first session at Pulling Down the Moon - acupuncture to help with fertility.  I was a little wary - it just doesn't sound like a good idea.  I thought it would hurt but my friend that had used SGRSC before told me I had to try it.  I mostly signed up for that first consultation because my friend was there pushing me along.

I was shocked to find that it really didn't hurt.  In fact, it felt pretty amazing and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't do this during the school year to alleviate stress.  I felt wonderful at the end of the session.  The practitioner - what are they called, is she a therapist, a practitioner, an acupuncturist? - suggested that I come in twice a week and, while I'm in MD, I will.  There were also some supplements, teas, herbs, etc... for sale.  I got some COQ10 to take in addition to the prenatal vitamins I've been on.

Today, I had what they call a "social work consult".  I met with a therapist in the clinic for a little over an hour and discussed my background, feelings, how I had come to the decision to take the steps to have a child on my own, why I wanted to use donor sperm, what were my plans for telling my child about how I had used donor sperm to have him.  Some of the questions are a bit moot when you're talking about a single mother or a lesbian or gay couple.  Apparently, there are couples that don't tell their kids they were conceived via a donor.  Not an option for me.  I shared with her what I'd learned from reading some of the many choice mom/ single mom books out on the market.  We talked about my family being so conservative and not being supportive and the fact that this is my life and I have to make decisions that I can live with.  Once when my mother asked me again why I couldn't just wait, I told her that I have limited time and if I pass up on trying to have a child solely to spare her feelings that I'd come to resent her in the future.

I have struggled a bit with the idea of the unknown donor but it finally comes down to do I want this or not?  I shared with the therapist how I had been trying with a KD but that that hadn't worked.  I spoke with her about how I hadn't liked the idea of the unknown with the anonymous donor and the fear or worry of a child not knowing siblings.  I know there is the sibling registry for donor conceived siblings but what about his own family?  He has two sons and a daughter that will be unknown.  (I once saw an episode of Private Practice where a couple they were treating for infertility turned out to be half siblings. Not good!) And, of course, the fact that he has kids of his own is one of the things I liked about this donor!  Does that sound like I'm a bit confused to anyone besides me?  

It was a bit intimidating watching her taking notes and knowing that those notes will be shared with my doctor and ultimately determine if they think I should proceed.  I think it went okay.  One question she asked me was if I was nervous about the idea of being pregnant and having a child.  I can't imagine anyone saying she's not nervous at the prospect of such a life transforming event!  Not if she's thought it through.  And, at school, I have seen so many of the irregularities that there are in kids.  There are so many more diagnoses than cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy or autism.  Not to downplay any of those, I'm just saying that some of the situations I've found these parents and kids in are scary and not well-known.  No telethons for Williams Syndrome...

Tomorrow morning I'll be meeting with the doctor from the clinic to decide what is the best course of action based on the tests that have been run so far.  I don't think the genetic testing will be back until some time next week.  They had said two weeks for that.  I'm not sure how that would affect the decision of IUI or IVF.  Does it?  Or is it instead used as a suggestion to use donor eggs if there's a problem?  I feel like there is so much I don't grasp when I'm speaking with the specialists.  Each one asks if I have any questions and I just sit there thinking I'm not sure I'm synthesising the information I have to come up with an intelligent question.  

When I was reading other blogs today, I saw a really great post about the donor sibling registry that linked a very short documentary about donor siblings.  It was really interesting and thought provoking.  It was so interesting to see the siblings and their different moms interacting.

Good News

Well, the doctor said that there isn't anything to worry about.  I kind of feel a little silly for having gone in and panicking.  She said that it was the right choice but it seems to me that I wasted her and my time...  I was very relieved to hear that nothing is wrong.

Perhaps my luck will change at school too?  I discovered last Thursday that my 5th graders were stealing the candy I'd brought to school as rewards for good behavior and the administration's attitude is "why did you put that candy out to tempt them?"  So it's my fault that they stole?!?  (Actually I learned prior to conferences that we don't call it stealing anymore - it's "taking without consent" now.)

But I am so glad that this is one crisis averted!  Now I can go back to focusing on the baby mission!!  I need to visit with my friend and plan the next time we can try.

4 days late...

Today is day 30 and my "normal" cycle ranges from 24 - 29 days. Over the past year, I've had more 24-6 day cycles than 27 or 29 - never 28, in 38 cycles which seems weird as that's the "magic number" most reference. But after what happened last month - 29 day cycle - and the cycle before - 9 to 10 days late but a BFN test - I'm trying to stay calm and grounded in reality. I keep expecting that my period will have started but it hasn't yet! I just wish I knew... Two week wait seems a bit of a fallacy - two weeks but actually wait that third week to give the hormones a chance to build up in your system... It seemed much simpler when I was planning this almost three years ago: we'd try at home, I'd miss a period and that would be the "proof" we needed. I'm scared to have another negative test when I'm late. I'm nervous about what that doctor had said - that I want this so badly I will defeat myself.

Need a New Doctor...

My doctor visit didn't go very well last week... I hadn't realized that my doctor was not just suggesting the CA Cryobank for convenience or whatever. He really, really doesn't like the idea of a known donor. When he asked if I had used "the gentleman's help from Georgia", his tone made it painfully clear that he did not like the idea. 

I had been in to see him in May to get checked - FSH, Progesterone and Estradiol. He claimed to be impressed that I was so very well informed about options and what I needed to do to be ready.  All the tests checked out well. And we had discussed next steps before he referred me to other doctors as he was going to be traveling over the summer.  

But this visit his distaste seemed more overt.  Is it just me or is it really not his job to approve or disapprove the way I want to choose half of the DNA that makes a child??  Why is it that just because I am single, I am disallowed from making the choice to see what I am getting into as far as the father is concerned? 

I understand that there is potential to muddy things up, but S and I don't have that kind of friendship.  He will not be suing (not sure about the spelling on that) me for custody and I'm not going to go after him for support. He is going to be named on the birth certificate and there will never be a time that my child will not be fully aware of who he is. He is me best friend. Even if I was going to go have a baby another way, I'd still expect S to be involved if only because he will be involved in my life...  

I guess justifying / defending myself is something I have to get used to doing. Doing something so unorthodoxly invites criticism. So it's a good thing that I've thought this through and have done so over and over during the past two and a half years.

So I'm going to need a new OB because I would prefer not to face that each visit. Or am I being too sensitive? 

Also, on the advice of one of the SMC bloggers I am looking at supplements. I am trying to look ahead to the next cycle and am concerned that my fertile period is the weekend before I am supposed to be in Atlanta.  Trying to work up the courage, find the money to buy an additional ticket for the Saturday through Monday before I fly in for the pride celebration on Wednesday. Monday is fair day at school - the fair is a big deal in Texas - at least the Dallas area.