4 days late...

Today is day 30 and my "normal" cycle ranges from 24 - 29 days. Over the past year, I've had more 24-6 day cycles than 27 or 29 - never 28, in 38 cycles which seems weird as that's the "magic number" most reference. But after what happened last month - 29 day cycle - and the cycle before - 9 to 10 days late but a BFN test - I'm trying to stay calm and grounded in reality. I keep expecting that my period will have started but it hasn't yet! I just wish I knew... Two week wait seems a bit of a fallacy - two weeks but actually wait that third week to give the hormones a chance to build up in your system... It seemed much simpler when I was planning this almost three years ago: we'd try at home, I'd miss a period and that would be the "proof" we needed. I'm scared to have another negative test when I'm late. I'm nervous about what that doctor had said - that I want this so badly I will defeat myself.

Stewardship Sunday

If you are a regular attender at any church then the word stewardship has gotten encoded with connotations of money raising, pledging, making promises, etc... So today when I looked at the bulletin and noticed that the topic of the sermon was stewardship, I was prepared to be uncomfortable.  

I'm very cautious financially now.  I used to be very open-handed with my money.  Now I am almost miserly in cutting corners so that I can put whatever I can into savings every month - I just don't want to get in trouble again and know that the responsibility of having a child on my own, handling all of the financial tasks without a partner, could be a setup for making some colossal mistakes!  I don't want anyone to be able to say to me "Well, if you just hadn't had that baby, if you'd waited on the Lord, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now!"

So the minister went over many aspects to stewardship - the least of which was financial.  Steward is kind of an old-fashioned word - an odd concept to wrap my 21st century thoughts around.  I don't own this life.  None of this is mine; I'm a caretaker.  I'm supposed to be watching over it in the absence of the rightful owner: God.

A couple of areas really hit home.  

He talked about taking care of one's self.  Proper nutrition and exercise so that I'm in the best condition to do well at whatever I choose to do.  That is something I have been struggling with.  I've been a little depressed and feeling like what's the point in trying and I've gained five pounds.  I haven't been exercising like I should and I'm certain that that has been affecting my mood.

He talked about taking care of your family and the joy of being entrusted with / blessed by God to have children.  And I started to cry.  Not anything showy or big - just tears in my eyes, blinking them back - feeling this ache in my heart, a fear that the joy of having a child is not going to be mine.  The knowledge that most of the people sitting in that church would take it as a matter of course that the fact that I'm single shows God's ultimate decision about my fitness to have a child.

He talked about time: we cannot do it all!  How many times have you heard a minister say don't volunteer for everything on the list, you need to take care of yourself and not try to take on too much?  He very clearly reminded us that if we take on something new, some other area has to give.  There is a finite amount of time that we have to work with.

Financially it hit home, too.  I'm scared to give away any money.  I'm terrified of being in debt again.  I used to donate money for charities, buy elaborate gifts for friends and relatives, buy moderately big items on impulse - I used to sleep through my money management.  The idea of the baby woke me up.  I have a completely different view.  It seems that I am having trouble trusting God financially...

So Very Close

Today is two weeks... Today is two weeks. Today is two weeks!!!

And a friend told me that I should wait to test until I am a week late... I also read that online. Which I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around the "weeks" thing.  I think this counts as wrapping up week 4? It's weird to me to start two weeks prior to.  So I guess that's another week to hold my breath through!

The last time I had a cycle longer than 26 days was a year ago. So I'm hopeful. Yesterday I was sure - I just felt that I was pregnant and actually put it in writing in an e-mail to a friend - but a phone call reminded me that there is still a lot of time for things to go very wrong.

This is especially good news as the school I'm assigned to remains a very stressful situation. My former supervisor was very laid back - so long as everyone was doing their jobs, he wasn't too concerned about the details. This man has rules for every little thing. My schedule is a mess - I have 50 minutes of duty every day and my planning period is all chopped up. I am very grateful to still have a job. But this is going to be a very big adjustment. I'm used to being treated respectfully and valued. Now I have to re-prove myself for the administrators.  This new school is lonely. I was tired at Meet the Teacher tonight; tired of seeing strangers' faces.

Please, please, please

I am saying that constantly right now.  Hand over lower abdomen, begging that my imagination is not contriving all the symptoms... Begging God for the chance that I really am pregnant and wishing that I could skip to next Monday (which will be the first day of school and I haven't ever wished to fastforward to the first day of school! There's a lot to do between now and then!) But the longest cycle I've ever had is 30 days and that would mean starting on Sunday - if I can make it to next Monday, I'd think that'd be time to get excited!

This morning I didn't feel sick to my stomach when I first woke up, but after I got to school for training I started to feel a bit queasy and the smell of coffee - which I normally love - was really not pleasant. I am hoping that these are confirmations that I am pregnant.

I think I see why someone might have a hysterical pregnancy: when you want this so very badly, it seems that every little detail is magnified.  I wonder if I felt sick because I hoped I'd feel that. I just don't know. If will alone could make me pregnant then I think I'd have it covered.

waiting... and change

So I was speaking with someone at work today - the retail store that's my part time job, not the school - and she said how important that she thinks it is to have positive thinking.  I am naturally more of a "brace myself for the fall" person and have been trying not to get too excited at the chance that this worked.  At the same time, all of the stories I've read of successes on that initial try are playing on a loop in my head.

And I am still having bizarre dreams. Monday, I dreamed I had a miscarriage. Wednesday, I dreamed that I had twins - a boy and girl - I spent the dream veering between excitement of having a complete family in one go and panic as to how I was supposed to take care of them on my own. This morning I'd dreamed that my family found out I was pregnant and threw me out (metaphorically speaking). My sister - with whom I have a strained relationship anyway - was particularly awful and my brother refused to speak with me at all... The dream concerning my siblings may not be all that far from reality, but this chance is worth the sacrifice. I hope and pray my parents will come around.  If this past week worked, the due date is my father's birthday. How could he not love having a grandchild born on his birthday??

I think some of my worry is coming from a conversation I had with one of my friends in GA. I reminded him that we would have just been meeting twenty years ago this month at college. Then I said "I wonder what that eighteen year old would think of me now?" Without really expecting an answer, more of a rhetorical question or comment... Not missing a beat, J said "she'd be appalled!" Which shocked me. I guess it shouldn't have because I know I've changed drastically. He added, "That eighteen year old was who your sister and brother are today..." And when I put it under that microscope, there's no question about it. I'd have been appalled at my behavior. 

"Who can say if I've been 

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been 

Changed for the better ...

Because I knew you,

I have been changed for good."

This is where I should be reflecting on how I've grown, perhaps. I do think that the changes are for the better; however, it seems to be a little scary to think one step at a time I became a complete stranger.