Scare

So as I was cleaning up on Thursday after the PTA program I found something.  

My heart stopped and I just wanted to quit. To say to God, "I'm done.  I can't take anymore.  I don't understand why this is all happening!!  I don't think you realize how close I am to shattering into millions of pieces!"  

There was a lump.

I waited to get into the doctor and, for the first time I can remember, did not enjoy the clocks being set back - because I just wanted it over with; I didn't need an extra hour to worry!  I did research online - what chance is there of getting pregnant if I have to have treatments... Because I do that - go from finding a lump to thinking about freezing eggs or embryos. 

I had an appointment this afternoon and the doctor is sending me to an imaging center for an ultrasound - not the type I'd hoped to be having about now.  She is cautiously saying that she doesn't think it's a concern but the ultrasound will tell us more information.  

But just having this happen is making me look at my life differently.  I am so careful with my money - which can be a good thing certainly, but part of the point to having financial resources is to use them.  Saturday I went out for lunch - I didn't care that I was sitting in the cafe alone, I wanted to eat there and I wanted dessert.  So I had it.  I need to live.  I want a baby but I need to treasure what I do have and not take for granted that I have infinite time to make my dreams reality.

4 days late...

Today is day 30 and my "normal" cycle ranges from 24 - 29 days. Over the past year, I've had more 24-6 day cycles than 27 or 29 - never 28, in 38 cycles which seems weird as that's the "magic number" most reference. But after what happened last month - 29 day cycle - and the cycle before - 9 to 10 days late but a BFN test - I'm trying to stay calm and grounded in reality. I keep expecting that my period will have started but it hasn't yet! I just wish I knew... Two week wait seems a bit of a fallacy - two weeks but actually wait that third week to give the hormones a chance to build up in your system... It seemed much simpler when I was planning this almost three years ago: we'd try at home, I'd miss a period and that would be the "proof" we needed. I'm scared to have another negative test when I'm late. I'm nervous about what that doctor had said - that I want this so badly I will defeat myself.

AF is coming...

I am feeling pretty bad - cramping, back pain, etc...  I know that getting pregnant isn't an easy thing.  I just feel such a panic about it!  Which of course makes it even more difficult.  

I am also so frustrated about work. I feel like I've been dropped in this horrible school and had my support system ripped out from under me.  Today I had a fifth grade student challenge me in front of his class.  I took up his watch when the alarm went off and he told me he "best get [his] watch back by the end of the day."  If a student had spoken to me at my other schools that would have been an office referral.  I went to see the principal - I haven't gone to see him about any discipline issues, I would think that would count for something - and was met with a closed door.  He always has his office door closed with a don't disturb sign on it.  I'm used to having my principals available.  Not him.  I finally was able to catch him at the end of the day and he told me that the student was obviously "testing me" and needed a detention.  Really?  Testing me? A student?  You think?  Yes please read the sarcasm in there.  Of course he was testing me and he sees that all I can give him, even when I get the office involved, is an fing detention!!  In my last school, I heard the principal ream students out for being disrespectful - tell them that being in class is a privilege and if they're not going to be courteous, they won't be there...  It's a different world here.  It's a LOUSY world in this school.

Yesterday night I was talking to my mother about the amazing stories I've read from others' blogs and how supportive the families are.  How I wished my family could want me to have my dreams too.  Mom said of course she wants that but how about I fall in love and get married first - and I started to be a smart ass.  I started to pop back with the comment, "Wow! What a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that?!?" I just pulled back from saying it.  But I was so annoyed.  Like this was plan A.

In the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers asked if I was losing weight and in the Biggest Loser competition and I told her that I hadn't joined as I'd been hoping for a reason to be gaining weight.  She wanted to know details and I just said I'd been trying with a friend and she wanted to know if my "friend" was a girl.  I replied, "Are you asking me if I'm gay?"  I mean seriously!  Not something I had to go through at my former schools.  She tried to back pedal - no, I just wondered if you were working with a girl (I said it'd be pretty hard to get sperm without some guy involved) - but I told her that although the friend I am trying with is gay I am not.  Then she wanted to know how that works... Seriously, we're not even on a first name basis and you think you can ask questions like that??

And so, tonight, I am feeling yucky as I can feel the symptoms of my period, angry that it seems like - according to the family and others - I don't qualify as a parent in God's requirements even though others are able to keep a Christian belief in God and still get pregnant on their own and disheartened by the lack of friends or even friendliness at work...  Many years ago, I had to take anti-depressants.  I got myself off the meds because I knew that that was not what I wanted to be taking when I was trying to conceive.  I was in such a better place mentally.  Now, I just feel like the security I had has been ripped from me.  Like I'm being taunted with a "Ha, you thought it would work out! Let's see what you try now."

Insecurities and Idiocy

So have you ever been a complete and utter idiot because you were feeling insecure in some way?  If your reality is based on your perceptions and your perceptions are off than your analysis is screwed...  And, you know what, it really doesn't matter that you are being reassured that that is not what's happening - because it is how you feel and that makes it real.  Then again, what if it is real? What if it's even worse? What if you discover that what you thought was the worry isn't nearly as important as what is happening?

Maybe, I shouldn't be so trusting...

Doctor Tomorrow

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I scheduled it last week, I thought, to confirm that I was pregnant. Now it seems really hard to be going for the opposite reason.

It's probably normal to be nervous about what might be said, isn't it?

From what I read online, there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that I got up and exercised Saturday morning for the first time in a long time has nothing to do with me losing this.  All the stats keep rolling through my head - it was the beginning of the sixth week - a very common time for miscarriage. I didn't do anything wrong. 

Except that what I've read says that something was wrong and while I didn't do anything exactly, maybe something was wrong with my egg... Maybe I should have been taking supplements? Earlier in the week, I picked up an alto xylophone at school to demonstrate for a class - maybe I shouldn't have done that. So did I do something wrong?

But it's not supposed to have been something that could be controlled or altered. If it can't be controlled, how do I stop this from happening next time? How are you hopeful but not building hopes up too high?

And has anyone noticed that in the brilliant timing of the mob on facebook, we now have people claiming to be "weeks along and craving" to raise awareness for breast cancer?  How exactly is that supposed to help breast cancer?? It sure doesn't do me any good - those status updates hurt...

I'm not giving up. One try and done, that was the hope and dream! But I knew the reality was that it could be much harder.  When I called S on Sunday to tell him, we talked about how we'd keep trying.  So now my hopes and prayers move to the next try.

So what will the doctor have to say??