Insecurities and Idiocy

So have you ever been a complete and utter idiot because you were feeling insecure in some way?  If your reality is based on your perceptions and your perceptions are off than your analysis is screwed...  And, you know what, it really doesn't matter that you are being reassured that that is not what's happening - because it is how you feel and that makes it real.  Then again, what if it is real? What if it's even worse? What if you discover that what you thought was the worry isn't nearly as important as what is happening?

Maybe, I shouldn't be so trusting...

Trying Again

Well, it was a bit easier this time.

At least I could look him in the eye when he handed me the syringe.  We tried both yesterday and today.  We're supposed to be trying tomorrow and again on Monday.  I thought since my last cycle was longer than normal, that we should try again late enough that if it is a twenty-nine day cycle it would be at the right time.

Now it is time to hope and pray.  I know I need to be thankful for the fact that S is willing to help me.  I truly am.  I didn't mean to be complaining last time - just venting a bit.

Try again and again...

So, I'm in Georgia and it is PRIDE weekend - which is a big deal to my friends.

I feel a little btw at this point.  I mean I was coming here for PRIDE. I know that. But TTC is much bigger for me than another celebration. Of course, it's more important to me than it is to my friends.  I have a lot more personally vested in a positive result.  

I am trying to follow all the advice that I have been given.  But some is hard - for example, "don't stress over the details - the ones that want it too much, don't conceive" - words from my doctor.  Um, yeah, right... because that makes me feel confident.  That might be great words of wisdom for a couple, just let nature take it's course.  However, when you're single and doing this on your own without having sex, you have to be more proactive!!! Nature isn't going to take any course... There is no "oops, I'm pregnant" possible.

This time isn't any easier than the last.  I had thought that the awkwardness of discussing the mechanics of all this would be done.  I mean we've done this before.  But it's still very hard for me to discuss this with S. I feel very much out of my depth.  

Stewardship Sunday

If you are a regular attender at any church then the word stewardship has gotten encoded with connotations of money raising, pledging, making promises, etc... So today when I looked at the bulletin and noticed that the topic of the sermon was stewardship, I was prepared to be uncomfortable.  

I'm very cautious financially now.  I used to be very open-handed with my money.  Now I am almost miserly in cutting corners so that I can put whatever I can into savings every month - I just don't want to get in trouble again and know that the responsibility of having a child on my own, handling all of the financial tasks without a partner, could be a setup for making some colossal mistakes!  I don't want anyone to be able to say to me "Well, if you just hadn't had that baby, if you'd waited on the Lord, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now!"

So the minister went over many aspects to stewardship - the least of which was financial.  Steward is kind of an old-fashioned word - an odd concept to wrap my 21st century thoughts around.  I don't own this life.  None of this is mine; I'm a caretaker.  I'm supposed to be watching over it in the absence of the rightful owner: God.

A couple of areas really hit home.  

He talked about taking care of one's self.  Proper nutrition and exercise so that I'm in the best condition to do well at whatever I choose to do.  That is something I have been struggling with.  I've been a little depressed and feeling like what's the point in trying and I've gained five pounds.  I haven't been exercising like I should and I'm certain that that has been affecting my mood.

He talked about taking care of your family and the joy of being entrusted with / blessed by God to have children.  And I started to cry.  Not anything showy or big - just tears in my eyes, blinking them back - feeling this ache in my heart, a fear that the joy of having a child is not going to be mine.  The knowledge that most of the people sitting in that church would take it as a matter of course that the fact that I'm single shows God's ultimate decision about my fitness to have a child.

He talked about time: we cannot do it all!  How many times have you heard a minister say don't volunteer for everything on the list, you need to take care of yourself and not try to take on too much?  He very clearly reminded us that if we take on something new, some other area has to give.  There is a finite amount of time that we have to work with.

Financially it hit home, too.  I'm scared to give away any money.  I'm terrified of being in debt again.  I used to donate money for charities, buy elaborate gifts for friends and relatives, buy moderately big items on impulse - I used to sleep through my money management.  The idea of the baby woke me up.  I have a completely different view.  It seems that I am having trouble trusting God financially...

Chances are...

Chances are never really great that anyone will get pregnant.  At my last doctor visit, the doctor tried to make that as clear as he could. Then to drive it further home how very unlikely this would be he basically told me that there is no way that at home insemination - turkey baster technique - could possibly work.  But I know that it has worked for some.

So no matter what the chances are of it working or not, no matter what the grim realities of the statistics may be, we are going to be trying again next week.  I started my cycle on Sunday, which puts my originally scheduled trip in exactly the right spot.  Although I am wondering about my past cycle being three days longer - cause if this next cycle is longer, that puts the ovulation later.  I wish that monitor would work!  That would help take out some of the guesswork.  

If at first you don't succeed... keep trying!! I've been assured that it's worth whatever trials and traumas it takes.

The Best Laid Plans...

Well... I'm late and disgusted with myself! I thought that the one thing I had going for me - on this trying to get pregnant on my own venture - was that for the past two and a half years as I've tracked my cycles was the fact that I am so very regular.  But the past several months where I had the opportunity to try and make this dream come true have been different. July went like clockwork but I hesitated to book it prior to starting my cycle.  But the next month, I just went for making the plans - because, after all, the last month had been fine.  And that month I was two days early...  So fastforward to now: I booked my airfare for next weekend assuming that I would be starting my cycle on Thursday - I was actually concerned based on how I felt that I might start early on Tuesday.  But today is day 29 - three days late and holding! So I cancelled my flight for next weekend and have discovered that $15 for traveler's insurance would have been better than the $75 cancellation fee.

Sometimes I think that God must be laughing at me.

Next Steps

I have started taking supplements - trying to decide if I should be taking additional folic acid, calcium and fish oil as there's less folic acid and calcium and no fish oil in these than there was in my women's one-a-day pre-natal. Any thoughts?? - and there's a special tea to drink three times each day.

I also had some supplements delivered to S. His supplements were more than mine - there's three different ones. Helps with motility, boosting the count and another area that escapes me at the moment.

I've booked my airfare to ATL for the 1st - 3rd. I've never had Fair Day be so very important! 

Now I just need to start my next cycle like clockwork - which happens sometimes. And sometimes it doesn't.  There are times when I'm early; a handful of times that I was late. A few days late would actually be okay.  Isn't it grand to realize that the stress of hoping that all goes to plan may be the very thing that insures that it doesn't?? I enjoyed irony more when I was reading my lit courses in university than in application to my own life!