Need a New Doctor...

My doctor visit didn't go very well last week... I hadn't realized that my doctor was not just suggesting the CA Cryobank for convenience or whatever. He really, really doesn't like the idea of a known donor. When he asked if I had used "the gentleman's help from Georgia", his tone made it painfully clear that he did not like the idea. 

I had been in to see him in May to get checked - FSH, Progesterone and Estradiol. He claimed to be impressed that I was so very well informed about options and what I needed to do to be ready.  All the tests checked out well. And we had discussed next steps before he referred me to other doctors as he was going to be traveling over the summer.  

But this visit his distaste seemed more overt.  Is it just me or is it really not his job to approve or disapprove the way I want to choose half of the DNA that makes a child??  Why is it that just because I am single, I am disallowed from making the choice to see what I am getting into as far as the father is concerned? 

I understand that there is potential to muddy things up, but S and I don't have that kind of friendship.  He will not be suing (not sure about the spelling on that) me for custody and I'm not going to go after him for support. He is going to be named on the birth certificate and there will never be a time that my child will not be fully aware of who he is. He is me best friend. Even if I was going to go have a baby another way, I'd still expect S to be involved if only because he will be involved in my life...  

I guess justifying / defending myself is something I have to get used to doing. Doing something so unorthodoxly invites criticism. So it's a good thing that I've thought this through and have done so over and over during the past two and a half years.

So I'm going to need a new OB because I would prefer not to face that each visit. Or am I being too sensitive? 

Also, on the advice of one of the SMC bloggers I am looking at supplements. I am trying to look ahead to the next cycle and am concerned that my fertile period is the weekend before I am supposed to be in Atlanta.  Trying to work up the courage, find the money to buy an additional ticket for the Saturday through Monday before I fly in for the pride celebration on Wednesday. Monday is fair day at school - the fair is a big deal in Texas - at least the Dallas area.

Doctor Tomorrow

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I scheduled it last week, I thought, to confirm that I was pregnant. Now it seems really hard to be going for the opposite reason.

It's probably normal to be nervous about what might be said, isn't it?

From what I read online, there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that I got up and exercised Saturday morning for the first time in a long time has nothing to do with me losing this.  All the stats keep rolling through my head - it was the beginning of the sixth week - a very common time for miscarriage. I didn't do anything wrong. 

Except that what I've read says that something was wrong and while I didn't do anything exactly, maybe something was wrong with my egg... Maybe I should have been taking supplements? Earlier in the week, I picked up an alto xylophone at school to demonstrate for a class - maybe I shouldn't have done that. So did I do something wrong?

But it's not supposed to have been something that could be controlled or altered. If it can't be controlled, how do I stop this from happening next time? How are you hopeful but not building hopes up too high?

And has anyone noticed that in the brilliant timing of the mob on facebook, we now have people claiming to be "weeks along and craving" to raise awareness for breast cancer?  How exactly is that supposed to help breast cancer?? It sure doesn't do me any good - those status updates hurt...

I'm not giving up. One try and done, that was the hope and dream! But I knew the reality was that it could be much harder.  When I called S on Sunday to tell him, we talked about how we'd keep trying.  So now my hopes and prayers move to the next try.

So what will the doctor have to say??

Sadness

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” 

~Elizabeth Stone

I think that I have my answer for now.  I think I was pregnant and I think I'm losing him...  I know that there is some bleeding sometimes during the first trimester but I don't think that's what this is. All the hurt, confusion and ups and downs before this pales in comparison to what this feels like. I feel so out of control. I feel like my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do.  I know intellectually that there is nothing I could have done but I can't seem to believe it. I don't want this. I want to go back 24 hours or even 8 hours to where I was thinking about what might be happening. Some days, life really, really hurts.

I guess that the risk of having your heart broken starts as soon as you start to try to conceive - even before that child is, the dream has a life of it's own.

Confused

My friends are always giving me a hard time because I am so very literal. If someone says he or she is going to do something, I consider it done. 

If you are over a week late in having your period and are having other symptoms then shouldn't the test reflect that?? Because it doesn't. When I tested yesterday, it was negative.

And so I did what I imagine we all do - cried a bit and then went searching for answers online. There's a lot of scary information online. If you are more than a week late with a negative test it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  Um, no, please... Or there is the chance of a hysterical pregnancy - I don't feel crazy, but then I would hardly be the best person to ask, would I??

All the info I read said call your doctor. Which I did this morning and his office said that it isn't unusual to have a pregnancy test give a false negative.  They don't seem concerned at all. Well, it's not like this is happening for the first time to them! They probably get this everyday. But for me this is a big deal!! I. Don't. Know. What's. Going. On. I have an appointment next Friday morning - late morning, second week of school and I'm asking to leave in the middle of the day - my principal so did not love that... 

Confusing - because there is supposed to be an order to this. I hadn't been feeling any real urgency to take the test because I knew I was pregnant. I'm never late, I know my cycle, etc... Also, I have never tested well when using fertility monitors or OPKs.  I was afraid I wasn't ovulating at all anymore based on the - not so clear or easy but still blue - fertility monitor I was using in the spring. The doctor tested my levels and everything was fine. But now I am wondering again if maybe I drink too much water to get accurate levels for both the LH and the hCG. Sorry if that's too much information.

S e-mailed me yesterday. It was really sweet - not at all the "how dare you leave me hanging when you'd told me two weeks" message that I deserved. He just said that he missed visiting and could I drop him a line or give him a call as soon as I had a chance.  He was so great. I really have missed visiting with him. I wish we lived closer together. I told him what was going on and he was very matter of fact that if this doesn't work out we'll try again. I just hadn't wanted to call until I knew for sure one way or the other. What a relief to hear him say we'd try again! He and his partner just met a gay couple that have two kids with a lesbian couple and it was interesting to hear about the family dynamics and how they ended up getting pregnant. It kind of makes this feel a bit more normal to hear personally about someone else's journey.

I remain convinced that I am exceedingly blessed in my friends. I have quite a few friends locally that have been so patient to talk me through the panicky times. Try to keep calm and centered... In positive news, if I'm pregnant, my baby has four chambers in his now pumping heart and will be hard at work as the major organs start to develop this next week. He'll have eyes, nose and the beginnings of ears, arms and legs. Wow! Unbelievable!

Hopeful

I am still hopeful...

Today stunk at school.  By the end of the day I went to my classroom and cried.  I had a lonely day and these might possibly be the worst fifth grade classes I've ever had. They have been getting progressively worse over the past 14 years. But these kids were more blatantly disrespectful than any others I've seen.

But, in spite of the crappy first day of school, I should be in week five now.  It is truly amazing to read online what is supposed to be happening if I truly am in my fifth week. I was looking yesterday at the size comparisons - last week was a sesame seed and this week's is a poppy seed.  In the fifth week, the heart actually starts to develop chambers and begin to pump blood!! 

It is truly miraculous and that is far more pressing than the behavior of these children... 

Life's Funny...

The first time I ever discussed this very situation with S - just in passing - was sixteen years ago.  I had just found out a few months before that he and my best friend at the time were gay. 

S and I weren't close at that time. In fact, he intimidated me; he seemed super smart. He was the best accompanist at our university while he was still a student. But his partner was my best friend and I wasn't giving that up just because they inexplicably moved to Little Rock. My voice teacher told me not to be stupid. They're gay. But that idea was completely out of my realm of thinking. I'd never considered that the people at our small Christian school could be gay!! I finally got up the courage to ask J and he was honest with me. I was stunned and didn't talk to them again for probably two or three months. When school started again, a friend and I drove down to LR to visit them. Because she was there and they weren't out to her, they gave a stellar straight performance that had me thoroughly confused by the time we drove back to school. I remember calling them and asking, you are gay, right? J laughed and said they'd had lots of practice hiding it.

The next time I drove down to visit I was by myself. They were still very careful in front of me. Each time I'd visit things would get a little more relaxed but I think it was still over a year before they did anything so scandalous as to kiss when I was in the room.  

S has always been one for big gestures. He likes expensive things: food, wine, electronic equipment, etc... He wants the best and likes to celebrate. He also likes to have big discussions over dinner. There we were in a nice - well, college nice - restaurant and he decided we were going to deal with the elephant in the room. He turns to me and wants to know what questions I might have and I'm mortified that we're discussing this in public!! (It had only been six months or so, I had changed some or I wouldn't have been at that table... just not very much.) 

Then in the parking lot, teasing me, S asked if I'd have their baby when they decided they wanted one. Fourteen years later I turned the question back on him.

Two years later and my fingers are crossed. I'm aware a lot could still go wrong. But today all indications are still positive.

By the way, a couple of times I've had someone from Germany reading my blog... 

It's a bit strange to think of my thoughts being read by someone in Europe. 

My HS German is really poor - I took it more to get the diction down for the Lieder - and I do realize you probably speak English more properly than we do here... But I want to try:

Um mein Freund aus Deutschland:

Willkommen und vielen Dank

So Very Close

Today is two weeks... Today is two weeks. Today is two weeks!!!

And a friend told me that I should wait to test until I am a week late... I also read that online. Which I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around the "weeks" thing.  I think this counts as wrapping up week 4? It's weird to me to start two weeks prior to.  So I guess that's another week to hold my breath through!

The last time I had a cycle longer than 26 days was a year ago. So I'm hopeful. Yesterday I was sure - I just felt that I was pregnant and actually put it in writing in an e-mail to a friend - but a phone call reminded me that there is still a lot of time for things to go very wrong.

This is especially good news as the school I'm assigned to remains a very stressful situation. My former supervisor was very laid back - so long as everyone was doing their jobs, he wasn't too concerned about the details. This man has rules for every little thing. My schedule is a mess - I have 50 minutes of duty every day and my planning period is all chopped up. I am very grateful to still have a job. But this is going to be a very big adjustment. I'm used to being treated respectfully and valued. Now I have to re-prove myself for the administrators.  This new school is lonely. I was tired at Meet the Teacher tonight; tired of seeing strangers' faces.