I Would Die For That

So much has been happening...

That I just kept putting off writing it down.  I kept thinking I'd do it later.  

I made it through what seemed like milestones to me.  Check off having the mock transfer.  Check off going around my principal and actually getting medical leave from school from HR.  Check off starting to give myself injections.  Check off starting the monitoring and bloodwork.  Check off telling my mother the news of what I was trying to do.  Check off getting transportation arranged and getting my injections in before boarding my flight.

But I hit a snag with the monitoring and bloodwork.  My estrogen levels aren't high enough and my follicles aren't growing.  Despite the fact that I am on day ten of the most aggressive drug protocol.  I am not responding.  I am stuck.  

Today, the doctor advised that we cancel this cycle.  There is no point in going forward.  In fact, there may not be any point in trying anything else.  There is only one other protocol that is used as a last resort, he said, and there's a 50% chance that I end up right where I am now.  He really recommends using donor eggs.  So donor eggs and donor sperm...  

My mother called me this past Monday to tell me that the news of what I was doing "devastated" my father.  She needed me to understand, she said, what I was putting him through.  I told her that I only had a 1 in 10 chance of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to term.  She and Dad had a 9 in 10 chance that I wouldn't be able to do so.  I just can't stomach the thought of seeing them knowing that, for them, this is good news.

I am tired.  I so wanted a child of my own.  I know adoption and the donor programs are great.  I know from my classroom that you don't have to be related to a child to love that child.  I know it's selfish.  But I wanted my own.  One that was mine.  That said I have been on this earth and made a difference.  One that would feel the connection to me of blood, of belonging.  One that I could think had my eyes or hair, my love of music, other family quirks.  One that I could share my stories of my grandparents journeys and lives with.  After 17 years of taking care of other peoples' children, watching some people without a thought or care have one after the other - one mom described it as a welfare raise - I wanted one for me, all for me, from the start.  Knowing now that that cannot happen is very hard.

I cannot believe that I put this off to the point that I no longer have a chance.  I feel like my body, my system, has betrayed me.  Which sounds so dumb.  I know that sounds melodramatic.  It's not like I am making a conscious choice.  I feel like I suck.  I am failing at something that is supposed to be natural.  I am broken as a woman.  I bear the mark of the curse each month but won't be able to benefit from the good that can come from that.  I cannot tell how many fifth grade girls I've had conversations with along the lines of, "yes it does suck to have this pain but do you want kids someday in the future? Yes. Well, this part stinks but someday you'll be glad to have gone through it."  This is awful.  I'm so disappointed.  I knew my odds weren't great but I thought I'd at least get the chance to try.  1 in 10 shifted to 0.  And more dreams are dying.

Last year, I had a fifth grade girl in one of my classes think she was pregnant.  Eleven years old and the mother's response, when she was told that the girl had written a note to her boyfriend saying the "scare" was over, was just that her elder sister had had a baby at fifteen and she probably would too.  No problems. Just a baby having a baby.  No need to discuss that with her daughter.  12 or 15 what does it matter when they have the baby...  Seems to me that there's a big difference there.  Can you imagine a pregnant fifth grader?  Does it make anyone else angry that someone like that can have four or five kids but so many of us can't even get one?

Starting School and Counting Days

 Staff members have been back a week now and there is definitely a feeling of apprehension and anxiety in the school.  There has been a big shift on campus as we had the lowest performance on the state assessment in the district. People are worried. Jobs are on the line. The principal especially is in an uncertain position as his primary evaluation is that test.  If we don't improve, the Texas Education Agency will come into our school and clean house. Starting with the top. So he is being even more inclined to micromanage then last year.

Last year I started a sticky note campaign at my school. One of the district supervisors challenged us to improve the morale of our school and suggested leaving anonymous sticky notes with words of thanks, encouragement and praise.  So I did that last year.  The point isn't to take credit for the thoughts but lift up the staff when they are being beaten down by the reality of the challenges we face daily in our little ghetto.  And it did help.  People were talking about the notes, trying to figure out who was writing them and really pleased to be appreciated for a change.

The thing is that you can't indefinitely keep trying to build others up when you are being beaten down.  It's like the story with the bucket (How Full is Your Bucket?), if people keep tipping your bucket over and causing it to spill over, then eventually it'll run dry.  We all need the help of the people around us.  I went dry about half-way through October or November.  I was pleased not to have anyone figure out it was me leaving the notes.  I've started leaving the notes again this year.  With those test scores, morale is even lower than it was a year ago.  

In baby news, I'm taking the birth control pill for the first time. Seems a little odd to take the pill to set up for getting pregnant. Tomorrow I have the mock embryo transfer. That needed to be done while I was on the pill and I was able to get into the local doctor that was recommended tomorrow. I'm supposed to have my procedure at 2:00.  We have meetings tomorrow and then meet the teacher tomorrow evening.  We're supposed to be able to go around 2 or 2:15.  I'll need to leave at 1:30.  Next week I have to have a pap on Thursday afternoon - new patients can't be scheduled later than 2:50.  And then my Lupron evaluation that's supposed to be on the 31st will most likely be on the 30th.  Since I'm not a true patient of DFW Fertility, it doesn't seem like they're willing to see me on the weekend, which is a shame as I'm already going to miss so much school.  The protocol sheet once more seems screwed up vs. what the nurse first represented it to me.  The "trigger" shot is 'around day 12' and on the worksheet the nurse originally mapped out for me, there were very exact blocks of dates. I know real life isn't like conjecture but now she says that the 'day 12' wasn't from the protocol start it's the 12th medicated day.  Which on my cheat sheet it isn't... So she says that I don't have to go to MD so soon - I'm flying in on the 6th and she said I could come on the 9th - I'm thinking Friday evening or Monday evening? Not like there's much difference with the school schedule. I stay 3 days, have outside monitoring here and spend one extra day in school. She had first said it'd be 10 school days out, now it's 12. (Dear God, please let this work! I don't know what they'll do if I try to miss school again!)

I was able to get my leave sorted out.  Apparently there's a form to be filled out by the doctor and the principal cannot complain or refuse to honor what the doctor states.  Can't remember if I'd said but my principal wouldn't give me leave last October when I was trying. I was docked 2 days' pay... This time I have it all worked out and he won't have that chance!

My $6K Miracle

The pharmacy at Shady Grove is amazing.  The nurses at Shady Grove are amazing.  I am feeling incredibly blessed today.

The price that was initially projected for the Gonal F was $6,000.  My heart kind of choked at that and I took a big breath because that was just one of the medicines.  I knew it was one of the more costly ones, but still that takes my breath away.  But immediately the financial counsellor directed me to Compassionate Care and I received a 50% discount.  That's great.  So instead of $1,250 per vial, it would be $625.  When I went into the pharmacy, the tech said she thought there might be insurance for some of my meds.  I said I didn't see how there could be as none of the treatment was covered.  She told me drug plans were different and we should double-check.  My insurance does cover several of the medications.  Bottom line was that all I was to pay for the Gonal F was $200 and the pharmacy had a coupon for $100 off.  I paid only $100 instead of $6,000.  How amazing is that?  I paid 1.6% of the initial cost.  This has to be one of the best pharmacies in the world!!  I should probably send that tech flowers... 

One of the nurses - not my primary nurse but the one that taught the injection class - told me that sometimes she gets medicine turned back in when a woman has been successful and doesn't need to have the meds for future cycles.  On Friday, she gave me 450IU of Gonal F.  On Monday, she gave me 15 vials of Menopur and the needles I will need.  She is hoping she can get me some more and that she might be able to get me the hCG trigger shot.  Speaking of injections, I'm feeling like a wuss.  Was anyone else nervous about self-administering shots?

I'm flying back to Texas tomorrow and school starts on Friday for the teachers.  I'm somewhat apprehensive about both of those things.  I'm supposed to start my cycle on Thursday and I feel like I might be early and start tomorrow.  I really hope it doesn't start until Thursday or Friday because that would work so much better with the school calendar.  Already my principal is going to be displeased.  It would be better if I was able to finish the first three weeks of school and get progress reports done before having to leave.  I'm trying to figure out when I'll have to take off for the monitoring, too.  I'm hoping that can be morning only and not be an entire day.  

Compassionate Care

More good news on the financial front...  In less than two hours Compassionate Care determined that I do make little enough that they will be willing to help me with the Gonal F purchase.  I am going to receive a 50% discount.  So, the estimated price was $6K and now it would be $3K.  The nurse I worked with said she might be able to help me get some of the other medication.  But the Gonal F is the biggest cost, I believe.  Any kind of help is great! 

What's Next...

I started this post almost a week ago but had to break it off because my friend and I were going to New York City for the weekend.  I'd never been before and she said we had to go.

But back on topic.  I met with the RE last Thursday and my numbers boil down to one shot in ten of a live birth with IVF.  They use ICSI with all frozen sperm.  So IVF with ICSI.  The IUI chance is 5% of getting pregnant and approximately half that of actually carrying the baby to term.

I was disappointed to hear the results but not really surprised because of what my numbers had been.  Looking at the cost of the procedures is scary and I'm going to have to take two weeks off of work to come back here for the monitoring, egg retrieval and transfer.  My principal was not supportive last year and I don't anticipate that he's had any change of heart.

Some good news is that as a teacher I make so little that I qualified for their Shared Help program and they'll discount some of the procedures by 30%.  That was very good news!!  I think I've decided to get the multi-cycle IVF.  

I took a class on injections yesterday and that is a bit daunting.  Much easier to stab that little cushion than giving it to myself I think.  And I'm going to be taking so much!  One of the financial counsellors  has given me information on a discount program for the Gonal F.  Apparently that alone will be as much as $6,000.  Wow.  Are the makers proud of themselves or what?  $6,000 for a few little bottles of medicine... 

Right now I'm feeling a little numb at the prospect of the school year starting next Friday with so very much unresolved.  Just wish there was a pause button that I could get everything I need to do done before moving on. 

Something New

Shady Grove Reproductive Science Center has very diverse - to me - services within its clinic.  

Monday I had my first session at Pulling Down the Moon - acupuncture to help with fertility.  I was a little wary - it just doesn't sound like a good idea.  I thought it would hurt but my friend that had used SGRSC before told me I had to try it.  I mostly signed up for that first consultation because my friend was there pushing me along.

I was shocked to find that it really didn't hurt.  In fact, it felt pretty amazing and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't do this during the school year to alleviate stress.  I felt wonderful at the end of the session.  The practitioner - what are they called, is she a therapist, a practitioner, an acupuncturist? - suggested that I come in twice a week and, while I'm in MD, I will.  There were also some supplements, teas, herbs, etc... for sale.  I got some COQ10 to take in addition to the prenatal vitamins I've been on.

Today, I had what they call a "social work consult".  I met with a therapist in the clinic for a little over an hour and discussed my background, feelings, how I had come to the decision to take the steps to have a child on my own, why I wanted to use donor sperm, what were my plans for telling my child about how I had used donor sperm to have him.  Some of the questions are a bit moot when you're talking about a single mother or a lesbian or gay couple.  Apparently, there are couples that don't tell their kids they were conceived via a donor.  Not an option for me.  I shared with her what I'd learned from reading some of the many choice mom/ single mom books out on the market.  We talked about my family being so conservative and not being supportive and the fact that this is my life and I have to make decisions that I can live with.  Once when my mother asked me again why I couldn't just wait, I told her that I have limited time and if I pass up on trying to have a child solely to spare her feelings that I'd come to resent her in the future.

I have struggled a bit with the idea of the unknown donor but it finally comes down to do I want this or not?  I shared with the therapist how I had been trying with a KD but that that hadn't worked.  I spoke with her about how I hadn't liked the idea of the unknown with the anonymous donor and the fear or worry of a child not knowing siblings.  I know there is the sibling registry for donor conceived siblings but what about his own family?  He has two sons and a daughter that will be unknown.  (I once saw an episode of Private Practice where a couple they were treating for infertility turned out to be half siblings. Not good!) And, of course, the fact that he has kids of his own is one of the things I liked about this donor!  Does that sound like I'm a bit confused to anyone besides me?  

It was a bit intimidating watching her taking notes and knowing that those notes will be shared with my doctor and ultimately determine if they think I should proceed.  I think it went okay.  One question she asked me was if I was nervous about the idea of being pregnant and having a child.  I can't imagine anyone saying she's not nervous at the prospect of such a life transforming event!  Not if she's thought it through.  And, at school, I have seen so many of the irregularities that there are in kids.  There are so many more diagnoses than cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy or autism.  Not to downplay any of those, I'm just saying that some of the situations I've found these parents and kids in are scary and not well-known.  No telethons for Williams Syndrome...

Tomorrow morning I'll be meeting with the doctor from the clinic to decide what is the best course of action based on the tests that have been run so far.  I don't think the genetic testing will be back until some time next week.  They had said two weeks for that.  I'm not sure how that would affect the decision of IUI or IVF.  Does it?  Or is it instead used as a suggestion to use donor eggs if there's a problem?  I feel like there is so much I don't grasp when I'm speaking with the specialists.  Each one asks if I have any questions and I just sit there thinking I'm not sure I'm synthesising the information I have to come up with an intelligent question.  

When I was reading other blogs today, I saw a really great post about the donor sibling registry that linked a very short documentary about donor siblings.  It was really interesting and thought provoking.  It was so interesting to see the siblings and their different moms interacting.