Stuck!!

Almost immediately after I posted about the wonderful experience of meeting with my proposed teaching partner at the joy-filled school I've been assigned to for next year - I received a text from my former teaching partner. She had resigned and I should call our principal about the full-time music job.  I cannot express what relief I felt that I would not have to go through with the scary year that seemed to be stretching before me.

Reasonably early the next morning, I called my principal and then the music coordinator.  I left a message with my principal - Fridays are days off in the summer. But the surprise was with the other call. My coordinator had no idea why I would think that I should go back to the school - my new assignment was final - in her mind, I think, I was being defiant or difficult. She actually stated that "it sounded like I was just pulling words out of the air" which totally took me off guard! (It also hurt my feelings that she seemed to think I'd make stuff up and BS to get my way.) In my mind, I was thinking I'd be the best option for the kids. It seemed very logical. The kids had already been upset by losing their half-time music teacher; now, they'd be losing both of us. After explaining my thought processes, she begrudgingly said she could understand why I'd think that but didn't believe there was any chance that HR would want to re-file the paperwork. I asked her, please, to see what she could do. And then, Monday morning I showed up at the campus, resume in hand, to speak to my principal. Again - from my principal this time - I was told that HR does not like to move people around after the paperwork has been filed.  The problem was timing - if this had happened in May or June, no problem. But July was too late to be making changes.

Except that four days later seven different assistant principals have been shifted within the district - some crossing from secondary to elementary. Apparently, on some occasions, it is okay to make changes and re-file paperwork.

And now I am stuck - emotionally. I was okay. I was resigned to the new situation - not excited but I knew if I wanted my job (which I very much do!) that I needed to suck it up and deal. I did not have a choice. There was no other option! But now, it's different. Because there is an option: I could be back at the campus I spent my afternoons for the last three years, the one where I know the kids and have friends in the staff, the one where I know what the expectations are, the one that is only ten minutes from home instead of thirty-five... My heart does not want to move on. I am stuck and I'm angry. I don't understand why the seemingly "perfect opportunity" presents itself only to be told there is no way it can work. All the reasons why it seems like the best solution are playing on a loop in my head!!

I'm actually scared about what will happen at this new campus when I am able to get pregnant. Which I so hope and pray does happen quickly - that is the next step in my plan. But as a teacher, I am in a unique field and teach in a conservative area.  When I first started considering going down this path I sounded out my principals about what they thought of having a single mother on the staff. Not just an "oops, I'm single but got pregnant" mother but a "single mother by choice". You see, if I lose my job because my principal doesn't agree with my choices, well that will fubar the whole dream. And both responded positively -  along the lines of "it's not my business" and "I've had someone on my staff make that choice before - no problem". But what will this new person's response be?? Principals are so powerful within their schools.

 I've pretty much decided I'm not going to talk with this principal until after I'm pregnant. I don't know him; have no relationship with him. I don't think that would be the best opening statement... But I do know of a teacher that was fired for being pregnant out of wedlock - it was over ten years ago - but it happened in a district nearby. Just because something isn't right, doesn't mean it won't happen.

Focus...

Today I met with the teacher I am supposed to be partnering with for next school year.  I had met her before as an acquaintance, visited with her peripherally; but I hadn't ever really had a lengthy conversation with her prior to this past week.

Have you ever heard that "your heart is where your treasure is"? How about "your perception determines your reality"?  What we focus on, highlight in our minds and hearts, affects every part of our lives.  I heard a story of a woman that hated her job. She disliked her coworkers - found them uncooperative and unhelpful. She sat down with a career counsellor and asked for assistance in finding a new job, one she could love. The counsellor asked the woman to make a list of everything she loved about her job: from little details like assigned parking to the fact that she was being paid. At first she had a hard time coming up with anything for her list. Eventually, however, she had a list of 31 things she liked about her job. The counsellor requested that, for the next month, the woman read the list to herself before going to bed each night and work every morning. At the end of the month, the woman was amazed at how much the people around her at work had changed. She loved her job.

Today for 3 hours and close to 45 minutes, this teacher spoke specifically about the problems at this school. The problems with the schedule. The problems with the teachers and administrators. There was not one positive thing said... Not one time did she say "I love how the kids..." or "The third grade team is amazing..." She shared that she feels unappreciated, humored, etc...  And, apparently the teacher that held my position before me was incompetent and a tattler.

Partly, I'm thinking this could not have come at a worse time. I am so hoping that I'll be able to get pregnant on this next cycle and, from all indications, it appears that this will be a stressful year.  I was discussing this lengthy conversation with my mother and felt really defeated.  She isn't aware of my plans for this next month but I just shared with her how apprehensive this makes me feel about the coming school year.  I know I am supposed to believe that God is sovereign and all will work out as it should. I struggle with that. I have trouble letting go on faith and trusting.

So I guess now it's up to me as far as where MY focus will be after this conversation. What will I do? If the economy was better, I think I'd be looking for another job. But this is where I am now: it's up to me to focus on the positive. To look for the good, expecting to find it.

Walking Away From Friends

So something I thought interesting from the experience of going to the 20 year reunion last night is how we are able to drift away from friends without even seeing what's happening.  The last time I saw a lot of those people - in person, not on facebook - was May of 91.  Some of them I had seen almost everyday for thirteen years. We waved goodbye, excited that we had made it across that stage, took a few pictures and moved on in our lives... and we didn't notice that it was the last time! Of course we never know when it's the LAST time until it's passed.

And the question of children and spouses did come up.  I finally started saying "not yet" when someone asked if I had kids and how many.

It was interesting to see the people that have never changed. We had our little "real housewives" high school clique well represented. Still bullying, still unchanged. How do you spend 20 years living without changing? without growing?  As I was driving to the reunion, I was thinking about those people and how they had seemed so very important / scary in HS - I'd seen some posts from the happy hour that was held on Friday and had some idea as to what to expect. As I was driving, I thought of that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, you know the "inferior without your consent" one.  I've always kind of thought that was a stupid thing to say but I think it clicked for the first time. I decided to be very proactive in not giving a damn what these people thought.

I had a great time seeing old friends - although there were a great many people I did not recognize at all. Thank God for name tags! It was actually comical to see people trying to look at the tags out of the corner of their eye and then act as if they'd recognized you.

Friends for 30 years...

I'm glad I went. I need to be more aware of allowing friends to drift away. Real friends are way too rare to lose!

20 Year Reunion

Tomorrow evening is my 20 year HS Reunion.  So NOT where I thought I'd be at this point in my life 20 years ago!!  At the center of that is going back to face those people unmarried with no children.  (You might need to be facing your 20 year reunion to catch the reference...)

I have stressed over what to wear, had the mani/pedi and wax and arranged to have my hair done. When I graduated HS I was a size 18 and am now comfortably in a 12.  I've accomplished many goals professionally and personally; however, what I'd consider the most important of all my goals is not even close to coming true.

My prayer as I go to sleep tonight: please Lord, this cycle; please Lord, this time.

Hello Choice Mom World!

I have been trying to get ready to get pregnant for almost two years.  I propositioned my gay best friend, worked to pay off a huge debt that I foolishly created and last, but not least, have lost the weight my OB recommended when I first started discussing this choice.  

I am getting older - 38 and turning 39 in November.  Life hasn't followed the pattern I was led to believe as a child that it would.  In my imagination - at this point - there was a husband first.  But life sometimes throws us in directions we'd never dreamed.  My clock has gotten very loud!!  I believe that some part of me is still a bit scared and grieving the dream that an unknowing child held.  I am scared that maybe those that are saying this is a bad idea are right.  Maybe I won't be a good mother.  Maybe I'll be horrible.  I teach children every year that have nightmarish parents.  Maybe I won't be able to work out the financial aspect.  Being a single mother with no support is hard!  I put every cent I had into debt to recover from some really horrible choices I made; now, I am trying to save as much as I can. But what if this is another bad choice?  Maybe I won't be able to handle the emotional aspect of being alone.  I'm grieving that pretend wedding, husband and family that I thought was a certainty when I was little...  And from what I've read this is normal behavior.  But I just don't know...  No one I know has taken this journey.

My parents aren't thrilled about this - well that's putting it mildly.  They're unhappy and probably actively praying that I change my mind.  Friends tell me that everything changes when there is actually a grandchild to hold and love.  My brother and SIL have offered their opinion that this would be against the laws and will of God - so I fully expect that relationship to be cut off.  I haven't found that there is much of a point in continuing to try and have a discussion with someone that believes sincerely he or she knows God's final will.    What I keep asking myself, however, is how am I going to feel in 20 years not having done this because I don't want to hurt my family...  I can't let go of this dream.  It's too important!

So I've read everything I can get my hands on about being a Single Mother By Choice.  I've looked at all kinds of websites.  I've been trying to get myself in pregnancy shape.  In the last two years I've lost 65 pounds and paid off all but my mortgage. I am saving but not as much as I'd hoped.  Recently I've hit a bit of a snag with the doctors' offices: one wouldn't speak to me after they found out I was single - literally was hung up on - and another wouldn't continue speaking to me after I told them I wanted to use a known donor.  I have really been encouraged by the blogs I've been reading and decided to start my own.  I'm going to be trying at home insemination with my known donor in August and will hope to beat the odds - I know it's naive but I've read stories of some that have had success!