Good News

Well, the doctor said that there isn't anything to worry about.  I kind of feel a little silly for having gone in and panicking.  She said that it was the right choice but it seems to me that I wasted her and my time...  I was very relieved to hear that nothing is wrong.

Perhaps my luck will change at school too?  I discovered last Thursday that my 5th graders were stealing the candy I'd brought to school as rewards for good behavior and the administration's attitude is "why did you put that candy out to tempt them?"  So it's my fault that they stole?!?  (Actually I learned prior to conferences that we don't call it stealing anymore - it's "taking without consent" now.)

But I am so glad that this is one crisis averted!  Now I can go back to focusing on the baby mission!!  I need to visit with my friend and plan the next time we can try.

Scare

So as I was cleaning up on Thursday after the PTA program I found something.  

My heart stopped and I just wanted to quit. To say to God, "I'm done.  I can't take anymore.  I don't understand why this is all happening!!  I don't think you realize how close I am to shattering into millions of pieces!"  

There was a lump.

I waited to get into the doctor and, for the first time I can remember, did not enjoy the clocks being set back - because I just wanted it over with; I didn't need an extra hour to worry!  I did research online - what chance is there of getting pregnant if I have to have treatments... Because I do that - go from finding a lump to thinking about freezing eggs or embryos. 

I had an appointment this afternoon and the doctor is sending me to an imaging center for an ultrasound - not the type I'd hoped to be having about now.  She is cautiously saying that she doesn't think it's a concern but the ultrasound will tell us more information.  

But just having this happen is making me look at my life differently.  I am so careful with my money - which can be a good thing certainly, but part of the point to having financial resources is to use them.  Saturday I went out for lunch - I didn't care that I was sitting in the cafe alone, I wanted to eat there and I wanted dessert.  So I had it.  I need to live.  I want a baby but I need to treasure what I do have and not take for granted that I have infinite time to make my dreams reality.

Not this time...

Well I started this evening.  I'd been feeling like I was going to for over a week now.  So I wasn't all that surprised to see this.  What I don't understand is how I have gone from being so very regular that I could almost predict the time of day I'd start to now varying by weeks?  I don't understand why this area that I had thought would be a strength for me is now out of whack.  Is this normal?  What am I doing wrong?

4 days late...

Today is day 30 and my "normal" cycle ranges from 24 - 29 days. Over the past year, I've had more 24-6 day cycles than 27 or 29 - never 28, in 38 cycles which seems weird as that's the "magic number" most reference. But after what happened last month - 29 day cycle - and the cycle before - 9 to 10 days late but a BFN test - I'm trying to stay calm and grounded in reality. I keep expecting that my period will have started but it hasn't yet! I just wish I knew... Two week wait seems a bit of a fallacy - two weeks but actually wait that third week to give the hormones a chance to build up in your system... It seemed much simpler when I was planning this almost three years ago: we'd try at home, I'd miss a period and that would be the "proof" we needed. I'm scared to have another negative test when I'm late. I'm nervous about what that doctor had said - that I want this so badly I will defeat myself.

Still waiting...

Last time I was so very excited to pass the two week wait window...  I was so very hopeful that I might have beaten the odds.

I am still feeling symptoms: cramps, backache, dizziness, a bit sick to my stomach.  So part of me just wishes my period would start already and end this waiting.  But another part of me is hoping and praying every time I go to the bathroom that there won't be any blood - that this month is shaping up to be a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance hope with reality.

AF is coming...

I am feeling pretty bad - cramping, back pain, etc...  I know that getting pregnant isn't an easy thing.  I just feel such a panic about it!  Which of course makes it even more difficult.  

I am also so frustrated about work. I feel like I've been dropped in this horrible school and had my support system ripped out from under me.  Today I had a fifth grade student challenge me in front of his class.  I took up his watch when the alarm went off and he told me he "best get [his] watch back by the end of the day."  If a student had spoken to me at my other schools that would have been an office referral.  I went to see the principal - I haven't gone to see him about any discipline issues, I would think that would count for something - and was met with a closed door.  He always has his office door closed with a don't disturb sign on it.  I'm used to having my principals available.  Not him.  I finally was able to catch him at the end of the day and he told me that the student was obviously "testing me" and needed a detention.  Really?  Testing me? A student?  You think?  Yes please read the sarcasm in there.  Of course he was testing me and he sees that all I can give him, even when I get the office involved, is an fing detention!!  In my last school, I heard the principal ream students out for being disrespectful - tell them that being in class is a privilege and if they're not going to be courteous, they won't be there...  It's a different world here.  It's a LOUSY world in this school.

Yesterday night I was talking to my mother about the amazing stories I've read from others' blogs and how supportive the families are.  How I wished my family could want me to have my dreams too.  Mom said of course she wants that but how about I fall in love and get married first - and I started to be a smart ass.  I started to pop back with the comment, "Wow! What a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that?!?" I just pulled back from saying it.  But I was so annoyed.  Like this was plan A.

In the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers asked if I was losing weight and in the Biggest Loser competition and I told her that I hadn't joined as I'd been hoping for a reason to be gaining weight.  She wanted to know details and I just said I'd been trying with a friend and she wanted to know if my "friend" was a girl.  I replied, "Are you asking me if I'm gay?"  I mean seriously!  Not something I had to go through at my former schools.  She tried to back pedal - no, I just wondered if you were working with a girl (I said it'd be pretty hard to get sperm without some guy involved) - but I told her that although the friend I am trying with is gay I am not.  Then she wanted to know how that works... Seriously, we're not even on a first name basis and you think you can ask questions like that??

And so, tonight, I am feeling yucky as I can feel the symptoms of my period, angry that it seems like - according to the family and others - I don't qualify as a parent in God's requirements even though others are able to keep a Christian belief in God and still get pregnant on their own and disheartened by the lack of friends or even friendliness at work...  Many years ago, I had to take anti-depressants.  I got myself off the meds because I knew that that was not what I wanted to be taking when I was trying to conceive.  I was in such a better place mentally.  Now, I just feel like the security I had has been ripped from me.  Like I'm being taunted with a "Ha, you thought it would work out! Let's see what you try now."

Insecurities and Idiocy

So have you ever been a complete and utter idiot because you were feeling insecure in some way?  If your reality is based on your perceptions and your perceptions are off than your analysis is screwed...  And, you know what, it really doesn't matter that you are being reassured that that is not what's happening - because it is how you feel and that makes it real.  Then again, what if it is real? What if it's even worse? What if you discover that what you thought was the worry isn't nearly as important as what is happening?

Maybe, I shouldn't be so trusting...

Trying Again

Well, it was a bit easier this time.

At least I could look him in the eye when he handed me the syringe.  We tried both yesterday and today.  We're supposed to be trying tomorrow and again on Monday.  I thought since my last cycle was longer than normal, that we should try again late enough that if it is a twenty-nine day cycle it would be at the right time.

Now it is time to hope and pray.  I know I need to be thankful for the fact that S is willing to help me.  I truly am.  I didn't mean to be complaining last time - just venting a bit.

Try again and again...

So, I'm in Georgia and it is PRIDE weekend - which is a big deal to my friends.

I feel a little btw at this point.  I mean I was coming here for PRIDE. I know that. But TTC is much bigger for me than another celebration. Of course, it's more important to me than it is to my friends.  I have a lot more personally vested in a positive result.  

I am trying to follow all the advice that I have been given.  But some is hard - for example, "don't stress over the details - the ones that want it too much, don't conceive" - words from my doctor.  Um, yeah, right... because that makes me feel confident.  That might be great words of wisdom for a couple, just let nature take it's course.  However, when you're single and doing this on your own without having sex, you have to be more proactive!!! Nature isn't going to take any course... There is no "oops, I'm pregnant" possible.

This time isn't any easier than the last.  I had thought that the awkwardness of discussing the mechanics of all this would be done.  I mean we've done this before.  But it's still very hard for me to discuss this with S. I feel very much out of my depth.  

Stewardship Sunday

If you are a regular attender at any church then the word stewardship has gotten encoded with connotations of money raising, pledging, making promises, etc... So today when I looked at the bulletin and noticed that the topic of the sermon was stewardship, I was prepared to be uncomfortable.  

I'm very cautious financially now.  I used to be very open-handed with my money.  Now I am almost miserly in cutting corners so that I can put whatever I can into savings every month - I just don't want to get in trouble again and know that the responsibility of having a child on my own, handling all of the financial tasks without a partner, could be a setup for making some colossal mistakes!  I don't want anyone to be able to say to me "Well, if you just hadn't had that baby, if you'd waited on the Lord, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now!"

So the minister went over many aspects to stewardship - the least of which was financial.  Steward is kind of an old-fashioned word - an odd concept to wrap my 21st century thoughts around.  I don't own this life.  None of this is mine; I'm a caretaker.  I'm supposed to be watching over it in the absence of the rightful owner: God.

A couple of areas really hit home.  

He talked about taking care of one's self.  Proper nutrition and exercise so that I'm in the best condition to do well at whatever I choose to do.  That is something I have been struggling with.  I've been a little depressed and feeling like what's the point in trying and I've gained five pounds.  I haven't been exercising like I should and I'm certain that that has been affecting my mood.

He talked about taking care of your family and the joy of being entrusted with / blessed by God to have children.  And I started to cry.  Not anything showy or big - just tears in my eyes, blinking them back - feeling this ache in my heart, a fear that the joy of having a child is not going to be mine.  The knowledge that most of the people sitting in that church would take it as a matter of course that the fact that I'm single shows God's ultimate decision about my fitness to have a child.

He talked about time: we cannot do it all!  How many times have you heard a minister say don't volunteer for everything on the list, you need to take care of yourself and not try to take on too much?  He very clearly reminded us that if we take on something new, some other area has to give.  There is a finite amount of time that we have to work with.

Financially it hit home, too.  I'm scared to give away any money.  I'm terrified of being in debt again.  I used to donate money for charities, buy elaborate gifts for friends and relatives, buy moderately big items on impulse - I used to sleep through my money management.  The idea of the baby woke me up.  I have a completely different view.  It seems that I am having trouble trusting God financially...

Chances are...

Chances are never really great that anyone will get pregnant.  At my last doctor visit, the doctor tried to make that as clear as he could. Then to drive it further home how very unlikely this would be he basically told me that there is no way that at home insemination - turkey baster technique - could possibly work.  But I know that it has worked for some.

So no matter what the chances are of it working or not, no matter what the grim realities of the statistics may be, we are going to be trying again next week.  I started my cycle on Sunday, which puts my originally scheduled trip in exactly the right spot.  Although I am wondering about my past cycle being three days longer - cause if this next cycle is longer, that puts the ovulation later.  I wish that monitor would work!  That would help take out some of the guesswork.  

If at first you don't succeed... keep trying!! I've been assured that it's worth whatever trials and traumas it takes.

The Best Laid Plans...

Well... I'm late and disgusted with myself! I thought that the one thing I had going for me - on this trying to get pregnant on my own venture - was that for the past two and a half years as I've tracked my cycles was the fact that I am so very regular.  But the past several months where I had the opportunity to try and make this dream come true have been different. July went like clockwork but I hesitated to book it prior to starting my cycle.  But the next month, I just went for making the plans - because, after all, the last month had been fine.  And that month I was two days early...  So fastforward to now: I booked my airfare for next weekend assuming that I would be starting my cycle on Thursday - I was actually concerned based on how I felt that I might start early on Tuesday.  But today is day 29 - three days late and holding! So I cancelled my flight for next weekend and have discovered that $15 for traveler's insurance would have been better than the $75 cancellation fee.

Sometimes I think that God must be laughing at me.

Next Steps

I have started taking supplements - trying to decide if I should be taking additional folic acid, calcium and fish oil as there's less folic acid and calcium and no fish oil in these than there was in my women's one-a-day pre-natal. Any thoughts?? - and there's a special tea to drink three times each day.

I also had some supplements delivered to S. His supplements were more than mine - there's three different ones. Helps with motility, boosting the count and another area that escapes me at the moment.

I've booked my airfare to ATL for the 1st - 3rd. I've never had Fair Day be so very important! 

Now I just need to start my next cycle like clockwork - which happens sometimes. And sometimes it doesn't.  There are times when I'm early; a handful of times that I was late. A few days late would actually be okay.  Isn't it grand to realize that the stress of hoping that all goes to plan may be the very thing that insures that it doesn't?? I enjoyed irony more when I was reading my lit courses in university than in application to my own life!

Need a New Doctor...

My doctor visit didn't go very well last week... I hadn't realized that my doctor was not just suggesting the CA Cryobank for convenience or whatever. He really, really doesn't like the idea of a known donor. When he asked if I had used "the gentleman's help from Georgia", his tone made it painfully clear that he did not like the idea. 

I had been in to see him in May to get checked - FSH, Progesterone and Estradiol. He claimed to be impressed that I was so very well informed about options and what I needed to do to be ready.  All the tests checked out well. And we had discussed next steps before he referred me to other doctors as he was going to be traveling over the summer.  

But this visit his distaste seemed more overt.  Is it just me or is it really not his job to approve or disapprove the way I want to choose half of the DNA that makes a child??  Why is it that just because I am single, I am disallowed from making the choice to see what I am getting into as far as the father is concerned? 

I understand that there is potential to muddy things up, but S and I don't have that kind of friendship.  He will not be suing (not sure about the spelling on that) me for custody and I'm not going to go after him for support. He is going to be named on the birth certificate and there will never be a time that my child will not be fully aware of who he is. He is me best friend. Even if I was going to go have a baby another way, I'd still expect S to be involved if only because he will be involved in my life...  

I guess justifying / defending myself is something I have to get used to doing. Doing something so unorthodoxly invites criticism. So it's a good thing that I've thought this through and have done so over and over during the past two and a half years.

So I'm going to need a new OB because I would prefer not to face that each visit. Or am I being too sensitive? 

Also, on the advice of one of the SMC bloggers I am looking at supplements. I am trying to look ahead to the next cycle and am concerned that my fertile period is the weekend before I am supposed to be in Atlanta.  Trying to work up the courage, find the money to buy an additional ticket for the Saturday through Monday before I fly in for the pride celebration on Wednesday. Monday is fair day at school - the fair is a big deal in Texas - at least the Dallas area.

Doctor Tomorrow

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I scheduled it last week, I thought, to confirm that I was pregnant. Now it seems really hard to be going for the opposite reason.

It's probably normal to be nervous about what might be said, isn't it?

From what I read online, there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that I got up and exercised Saturday morning for the first time in a long time has nothing to do with me losing this.  All the stats keep rolling through my head - it was the beginning of the sixth week - a very common time for miscarriage. I didn't do anything wrong. 

Except that what I've read says that something was wrong and while I didn't do anything exactly, maybe something was wrong with my egg... Maybe I should have been taking supplements? Earlier in the week, I picked up an alto xylophone at school to demonstrate for a class - maybe I shouldn't have done that. So did I do something wrong?

But it's not supposed to have been something that could be controlled or altered. If it can't be controlled, how do I stop this from happening next time? How are you hopeful but not building hopes up too high?

And has anyone noticed that in the brilliant timing of the mob on facebook, we now have people claiming to be "weeks along and craving" to raise awareness for breast cancer?  How exactly is that supposed to help breast cancer?? It sure doesn't do me any good - those status updates hurt...

I'm not giving up. One try and done, that was the hope and dream! But I knew the reality was that it could be much harder.  When I called S on Sunday to tell him, we talked about how we'd keep trying.  So now my hopes and prayers move to the next try.

So what will the doctor have to say??

Sadness

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” 

~Elizabeth Stone

I think that I have my answer for now.  I think I was pregnant and I think I'm losing him...  I know that there is some bleeding sometimes during the first trimester but I don't think that's what this is. All the hurt, confusion and ups and downs before this pales in comparison to what this feels like. I feel so out of control. I feel like my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do.  I know intellectually that there is nothing I could have done but I can't seem to believe it. I don't want this. I want to go back 24 hours or even 8 hours to where I was thinking about what might be happening. Some days, life really, really hurts.

I guess that the risk of having your heart broken starts as soon as you start to try to conceive - even before that child is, the dream has a life of it's own.

Confused

My friends are always giving me a hard time because I am so very literal. If someone says he or she is going to do something, I consider it done. 

If you are over a week late in having your period and are having other symptoms then shouldn't the test reflect that?? Because it doesn't. When I tested yesterday, it was negative.

And so I did what I imagine we all do - cried a bit and then went searching for answers online. There's a lot of scary information online. If you are more than a week late with a negative test it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  Um, no, please... Or there is the chance of a hysterical pregnancy - I don't feel crazy, but then I would hardly be the best person to ask, would I??

All the info I read said call your doctor. Which I did this morning and his office said that it isn't unusual to have a pregnancy test give a false negative.  They don't seem concerned at all. Well, it's not like this is happening for the first time to them! They probably get this everyday. But for me this is a big deal!! I. Don't. Know. What's. Going. On. I have an appointment next Friday morning - late morning, second week of school and I'm asking to leave in the middle of the day - my principal so did not love that... 

Confusing - because there is supposed to be an order to this. I hadn't been feeling any real urgency to take the test because I knew I was pregnant. I'm never late, I know my cycle, etc... Also, I have never tested well when using fertility monitors or OPKs.  I was afraid I wasn't ovulating at all anymore based on the - not so clear or easy but still blue - fertility monitor I was using in the spring. The doctor tested my levels and everything was fine. But now I am wondering again if maybe I drink too much water to get accurate levels for both the LH and the hCG. Sorry if that's too much information.

S e-mailed me yesterday. It was really sweet - not at all the "how dare you leave me hanging when you'd told me two weeks" message that I deserved. He just said that he missed visiting and could I drop him a line or give him a call as soon as I had a chance.  He was so great. I really have missed visiting with him. I wish we lived closer together. I told him what was going on and he was very matter of fact that if this doesn't work out we'll try again. I just hadn't wanted to call until I knew for sure one way or the other. What a relief to hear him say we'd try again! He and his partner just met a gay couple that have two kids with a lesbian couple and it was interesting to hear about the family dynamics and how they ended up getting pregnant. It kind of makes this feel a bit more normal to hear personally about someone else's journey.

I remain convinced that I am exceedingly blessed in my friends. I have quite a few friends locally that have been so patient to talk me through the panicky times. Try to keep calm and centered... In positive news, if I'm pregnant, my baby has four chambers in his now pumping heart and will be hard at work as the major organs start to develop this next week. He'll have eyes, nose and the beginnings of ears, arms and legs. Wow! Unbelievable!

Hopeful

I am still hopeful...

Today stunk at school.  By the end of the day I went to my classroom and cried.  I had a lonely day and these might possibly be the worst fifth grade classes I've ever had. They have been getting progressively worse over the past 14 years. But these kids were more blatantly disrespectful than any others I've seen.

But, in spite of the crappy first day of school, I should be in week five now.  It is truly amazing to read online what is supposed to be happening if I truly am in my fifth week. I was looking yesterday at the size comparisons - last week was a sesame seed and this week's is a poppy seed.  In the fifth week, the heart actually starts to develop chambers and begin to pump blood!! 

It is truly miraculous and that is far more pressing than the behavior of these children... 

Life's Funny...

The first time I ever discussed this very situation with S - just in passing - was sixteen years ago.  I had just found out a few months before that he and my best friend at the time were gay. 

S and I weren't close at that time. In fact, he intimidated me; he seemed super smart. He was the best accompanist at our university while he was still a student. But his partner was my best friend and I wasn't giving that up just because they inexplicably moved to Little Rock. My voice teacher told me not to be stupid. They're gay. But that idea was completely out of my realm of thinking. I'd never considered that the people at our small Christian school could be gay!! I finally got up the courage to ask J and he was honest with me. I was stunned and didn't talk to them again for probably two or three months. When school started again, a friend and I drove down to LR to visit them. Because she was there and they weren't out to her, they gave a stellar straight performance that had me thoroughly confused by the time we drove back to school. I remember calling them and asking, you are gay, right? J laughed and said they'd had lots of practice hiding it.

The next time I drove down to visit I was by myself. They were still very careful in front of me. Each time I'd visit things would get a little more relaxed but I think it was still over a year before they did anything so scandalous as to kiss when I was in the room.  

S has always been one for big gestures. He likes expensive things: food, wine, electronic equipment, etc... He wants the best and likes to celebrate. He also likes to have big discussions over dinner. There we were in a nice - well, college nice - restaurant and he decided we were going to deal with the elephant in the room. He turns to me and wants to know what questions I might have and I'm mortified that we're discussing this in public!! (It had only been six months or so, I had changed some or I wouldn't have been at that table... just not very much.) 

Then in the parking lot, teasing me, S asked if I'd have their baby when they decided they wanted one. Fourteen years later I turned the question back on him.

Two years later and my fingers are crossed. I'm aware a lot could still go wrong. But today all indications are still positive.

By the way, a couple of times I've had someone from Germany reading my blog... 

It's a bit strange to think of my thoughts being read by someone in Europe. 

My HS German is really poor - I took it more to get the diction down for the Lieder - and I do realize you probably speak English more properly than we do here... But I want to try:

Um mein Freund aus Deutschland:

Willkommen und vielen Dank

So Very Close

Today is two weeks... Today is two weeks. Today is two weeks!!!

And a friend told me that I should wait to test until I am a week late... I also read that online. Which I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around the "weeks" thing.  I think this counts as wrapping up week 4? It's weird to me to start two weeks prior to.  So I guess that's another week to hold my breath through!

The last time I had a cycle longer than 26 days was a year ago. So I'm hopeful. Yesterday I was sure - I just felt that I was pregnant and actually put it in writing in an e-mail to a friend - but a phone call reminded me that there is still a lot of time for things to go very wrong.

This is especially good news as the school I'm assigned to remains a very stressful situation. My former supervisor was very laid back - so long as everyone was doing their jobs, he wasn't too concerned about the details. This man has rules for every little thing. My schedule is a mess - I have 50 minutes of duty every day and my planning period is all chopped up. I am very grateful to still have a job. But this is going to be a very big adjustment. I'm used to being treated respectfully and valued. Now I have to re-prove myself for the administrators.  This new school is lonely. I was tired at Meet the Teacher tonight; tired of seeing strangers' faces.

Please, please, please

I am saying that constantly right now.  Hand over lower abdomen, begging that my imagination is not contriving all the symptoms... Begging God for the chance that I really am pregnant and wishing that I could skip to next Monday (which will be the first day of school and I haven't ever wished to fastforward to the first day of school! There's a lot to do between now and then!) But the longest cycle I've ever had is 30 days and that would mean starting on Sunday - if I can make it to next Monday, I'd think that'd be time to get excited!

This morning I didn't feel sick to my stomach when I first woke up, but after I got to school for training I started to feel a bit queasy and the smell of coffee - which I normally love - was really not pleasant. I am hoping that these are confirmations that I am pregnant.

I think I see why someone might have a hysterical pregnancy: when you want this so very badly, it seems that every little detail is magnified.  I wonder if I felt sick because I hoped I'd feel that. I just don't know. If will alone could make me pregnant then I think I'd have it covered.

Jury is still out...

Yesterday I was sure I'd be getting my period any day now. The cramping, backache, etc... - I just knew I'd not succeeded. But last night I discovered a sensitivity in my chest that makes me wonder if I didn't jump the gun in assuming I haven't conceived...

I also had several people tell me stories that they had even seemed to have periods during the first couple of months of pregnancy.

So now I'm back to feeling hopeful and maybe a little concerned that these mood swings may make me seem like I'm bipolar!!

Feeling Blue Today

So this morning I woke up to a familiar back ache - not one that I've been trying to attribute to implantation or any other crazy thing. This ache is accompanied by cramps and the knowledge that early next week, my cycle will be starting again.

In a nutshell, I failed.

And I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not even. But I was so hoping. I was so hoping that in this I would be lucky, blessed, unbelievably fortunate. I was clinging to the stories I've read from those that were successful on that first try. The ones that beat the odds; so, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm younger than some that I've read about. My FSH level is great, my hormone levels were all fine...  But I didn't.

So many people knew exactly why I was going to visit S in GA. Now comes the process of telling them all that 'no, it didn't happen.' I'll need to call S and say a big thank you for what you did but can we please reschedule that? Would you by any chance be willing to come here - because I can't leave on the Friday of the first week of school. I can't believe I didn't use my opportunities better this summer!

I feel kind of empty, a bit angry, a little like I'm the punch line to a joke.  It hurt earlier this summer to lose the school I'd been at for years to someone new to the district. But I knew that the job - wherever it was - did not hold the importance of this goal. The only clearly pertinent detail with the job is that as a single parent I needed to hold on to one. Wherever they assigned me to teach, I need to do well there regardless of where it is. It still hurt to know that the perfect opportunity seemed to be lost but it was not in any way as big a deal as this. This hurts - and it sounds stupid to feel so hurt when I know it wasn't truly real outside of my head. It doesn't just sound stupid - that actually sounds crazy, doesn't it??

And I know, that I can try again.  This is just a "bump in the road" after all. I can handle the embarrassment of calling S, admitting that it didn't work and asking for his help again.  And there's just the tiniest part that is hoping I'm wrong and I don't start my cycle next week.

There are at least two choice moms that I've been reading the blogs of that have received blows in the last 24 hours. Shannon at Chasing Rainbows has just learned that her precious 3 month old has a tumor on his lung. Claire from With All My Heart had her beautiful Carys not pass her hearing tests.  My heart breaks for them.  These ladies have a right to be beating on God's door...

waiting... and change

So I was speaking with someone at work today - the retail store that's my part time job, not the school - and she said how important that she thinks it is to have positive thinking.  I am naturally more of a "brace myself for the fall" person and have been trying not to get too excited at the chance that this worked.  At the same time, all of the stories I've read of successes on that initial try are playing on a loop in my head.

And I am still having bizarre dreams. Monday, I dreamed I had a miscarriage. Wednesday, I dreamed that I had twins - a boy and girl - I spent the dream veering between excitement of having a complete family in one go and panic as to how I was supposed to take care of them on my own. This morning I'd dreamed that my family found out I was pregnant and threw me out (metaphorically speaking). My sister - with whom I have a strained relationship anyway - was particularly awful and my brother refused to speak with me at all... The dream concerning my siblings may not be all that far from reality, but this chance is worth the sacrifice. I hope and pray my parents will come around.  If this past week worked, the due date is my father's birthday. How could he not love having a grandchild born on his birthday??

I think some of my worry is coming from a conversation I had with one of my friends in GA. I reminded him that we would have just been meeting twenty years ago this month at college. Then I said "I wonder what that eighteen year old would think of me now?" Without really expecting an answer, more of a rhetorical question or comment... Not missing a beat, J said "she'd be appalled!" Which shocked me. I guess it shouldn't have because I know I've changed drastically. He added, "That eighteen year old was who your sister and brother are today..." And when I put it under that microscope, there's no question about it. I'd have been appalled at my behavior. 

"Who can say if I've been 

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been 

Changed for the better ...

Because I knew you,

I have been changed for good."

This is where I should be reflecting on how I've grown, perhaps. I do think that the changes are for the better; however, it seems to be a little scary to think one step at a time I became a complete stranger.

Tight Rope Walking

I find myself in the curious position of trying not to be overly hopeful while still trying to be optimistic.  

I mean the frustrating thing is that I feel like the chances I had this summer holiday were almost wasted. This was it. Originally S told me June was bad timing for him... We had been going to try with the doctor in July but because of miscommunication and bad scheduling the first doctor referred me to others. (I'm not sure why he bothered when there was no way that anyone would be willing to schedule a procedure as quickly as my cycle dictated. I couldn't even get in for a new patient appointment before the next cycle. And then I had to deal with the whole "unmarried with KD? we won't be helping you" conversation.)  

I should have bought a plane ticket and came back here in July to try then.  But I didn't. So we had this last opportunity before the start of school and what happens? I start my cycle earlier than I'd thought I would... 

So now I am hoping and praying that the smallest of odds are being achieved within me. I'm begging God that this is the time - before S turns 40 on Wednesday; before I turn 39 in November.  That no matter how few or many sperm were in the syringes that one was able to make it and that implantation is successful.  I have been trying not to focus on every sensation I am feeling - it's just a back ache, nothing more... right? - and not panic based on the fact that my temperature was a little lower today.  "Do not stress. Just relax." What excellent advice... 

This choice mom/ TTC world is full of acronyms.  I ran across, I think, my favorite one: PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! I have been operating under that assumption since the first try. But this morning I had a nightmare that I had somehow lost my job and then lost the baby - one of those dreams you have after you've fallen back asleep. It feels like it's truly happening; you know you were awake and it's hard to shake when you realize it was, in fact, a dream.

I was trying to explain to S's partner last night how a woman can have a hard time being happy for a friend.  (He has a friend that isn't thrilled that her best friend is recently engaged.) Of course, you're happy when someone gets married or discovers they're pregnant. But it's hard when all you want is that experience and you feel it slipping further away.  

Today, this feels like it's slipping away.  

I was so naive when I started this journey two and a half years ago. I thought getting S to agree to donate would be the difficult bit.  Not hardly... As I read the blogs of others who are traveling this road, I have mixed feelings. So many first tries result in pregnancy and I want to cheer for them while begging for that to be my story!! So many with heart-wrenching stories of miscarriage or failed attempts at home, at IUI, at IVF... The emotional cost, the monetary cost, the cost of putting the rest of your life on hold while your mind revolves on this one seemingly unreachable goal... These stories are heart breaking. I recently read a post from a woman that had decided to give up.  She'd just discovered that her sister was pregnant and was saddened to realize she wasn't happy for her - not one bit.

So my balancing act... 

brace for the fall? 

or optimistically prepare for the most exciting journey of all?

Strange New World

I think perhaps the most surreal experience in my life has got to have been tonight...

Just discussing the logistics of "what's next" this afternoon was difficult enough. But sitting up here and waiting - knowing that my best friend and his lover were going to be performing for me was "curiouser and curiouser" - as if I suddenly took a sharp turn and found myself with a part to play in someone else's life. As if I haven't been preparing for this very moment for over two years!

Then hearing the knock on the bedroom door and facing my dear friend, the man I've known 20 years, as he hands me a syringe with his sperm and apologizes that there isn't more. (I think that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life!!)

That was one of the more awkward experiences I've had. A kiss, he wished me good luck changed it to break a leg (can you tell we're still ultimately performers?)  then finished with I don't really know what to say... And that probably sums it up the best because I don't know what to say either.  I do know I'm very blessed. What an amazing friend I have.

I have read many stories on the blogs from Jellybean Mama's 13 month journey for her home insemination to Jennifer and Tate's done in one.  Obviously, Jennifer and Tate's story is a favorite!!  This cycle is the last one before school starts back.  So I am hoping for a miracle.  Because from what I've read - how many things have to be just so - it is truly a miracle that anyone conceives!

Defying Gravity

[ELPHABA]
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap... 

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

[GLINDA]
Can't I make you understand
You're having delusions of grandeur?

[ELPHABA]
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do -together!

Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team 
There's ever been - Glinda!
Dreams the way we planned 'em

[GLINDA]
If we work in tandem

[GLINDA & ELPHABA]
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I, defying gravity
With you and I defying gravity

[ELPHABA]
They'll never bring us down!

Well, are you coming?

[GLINDA decides to stay behind.]

[GLINDA]
I hope you're happy
I hope your happy now that your choosing this -

[ELPHABA]
You too--
I hope it brings you bliss

[GLINDA & ELPHABA]
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy my friend

[ELPHABA]
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!

Stuck!!

Almost immediately after I posted about the wonderful experience of meeting with my proposed teaching partner at the joy-filled school I've been assigned to for next year - I received a text from my former teaching partner. She had resigned and I should call our principal about the full-time music job.  I cannot express what relief I felt that I would not have to go through with the scary year that seemed to be stretching before me.

Reasonably early the next morning, I called my principal and then the music coordinator.  I left a message with my principal - Fridays are days off in the summer. But the surprise was with the other call. My coordinator had no idea why I would think that I should go back to the school - my new assignment was final - in her mind, I think, I was being defiant or difficult. She actually stated that "it sounded like I was just pulling words out of the air" which totally took me off guard! (It also hurt my feelings that she seemed to think I'd make stuff up and BS to get my way.) In my mind, I was thinking I'd be the best option for the kids. It seemed very logical. The kids had already been upset by losing their half-time music teacher; now, they'd be losing both of us. After explaining my thought processes, she begrudgingly said she could understand why I'd think that but didn't believe there was any chance that HR would want to re-file the paperwork. I asked her, please, to see what she could do. And then, Monday morning I showed up at the campus, resume in hand, to speak to my principal. Again - from my principal this time - I was told that HR does not like to move people around after the paperwork has been filed.  The problem was timing - if this had happened in May or June, no problem. But July was too late to be making changes.

Except that four days later seven different assistant principals have been shifted within the district - some crossing from secondary to elementary. Apparently, on some occasions, it is okay to make changes and re-file paperwork.

And now I am stuck - emotionally. I was okay. I was resigned to the new situation - not excited but I knew if I wanted my job (which I very much do!) that I needed to suck it up and deal. I did not have a choice. There was no other option! But now, it's different. Because there is an option: I could be back at the campus I spent my afternoons for the last three years, the one where I know the kids and have friends in the staff, the one where I know what the expectations are, the one that is only ten minutes from home instead of thirty-five... My heart does not want to move on. I am stuck and I'm angry. I don't understand why the seemingly "perfect opportunity" presents itself only to be told there is no way it can work. All the reasons why it seems like the best solution are playing on a loop in my head!!

I'm actually scared about what will happen at this new campus when I am able to get pregnant. Which I so hope and pray does happen quickly - that is the next step in my plan. But as a teacher, I am in a unique field and teach in a conservative area.  When I first started considering going down this path I sounded out my principals about what they thought of having a single mother on the staff. Not just an "oops, I'm single but got pregnant" mother but a "single mother by choice". You see, if I lose my job because my principal doesn't agree with my choices, well that will fubar the whole dream. And both responded positively -  along the lines of "it's not my business" and "I've had someone on my staff make that choice before - no problem". But what will this new person's response be?? Principals are so powerful within their schools.

 I've pretty much decided I'm not going to talk with this principal until after I'm pregnant. I don't know him; have no relationship with him. I don't think that would be the best opening statement... But I do know of a teacher that was fired for being pregnant out of wedlock - it was over ten years ago - but it happened in a district nearby. Just because something isn't right, doesn't mean it won't happen.

Focus...

Today I met with the teacher I am supposed to be partnering with for next school year.  I had met her before as an acquaintance, visited with her peripherally; but I hadn't ever really had a lengthy conversation with her prior to this past week.

Have you ever heard that "your heart is where your treasure is"? How about "your perception determines your reality"?  What we focus on, highlight in our minds and hearts, affects every part of our lives.  I heard a story of a woman that hated her job. She disliked her coworkers - found them uncooperative and unhelpful. She sat down with a career counsellor and asked for assistance in finding a new job, one she could love. The counsellor asked the woman to make a list of everything she loved about her job: from little details like assigned parking to the fact that she was being paid. At first she had a hard time coming up with anything for her list. Eventually, however, she had a list of 31 things she liked about her job. The counsellor requested that, for the next month, the woman read the list to herself before going to bed each night and work every morning. At the end of the month, the woman was amazed at how much the people around her at work had changed. She loved her job.

Today for 3 hours and close to 45 minutes, this teacher spoke specifically about the problems at this school. The problems with the schedule. The problems with the teachers and administrators. There was not one positive thing said... Not one time did she say "I love how the kids..." or "The third grade team is amazing..." She shared that she feels unappreciated, humored, etc...  And, apparently the teacher that held my position before me was incompetent and a tattler.

Partly, I'm thinking this could not have come at a worse time. I am so hoping that I'll be able to get pregnant on this next cycle and, from all indications, it appears that this will be a stressful year.  I was discussing this lengthy conversation with my mother and felt really defeated.  She isn't aware of my plans for this next month but I just shared with her how apprehensive this makes me feel about the coming school year.  I know I am supposed to believe that God is sovereign and all will work out as it should. I struggle with that. I have trouble letting go on faith and trusting.

So I guess now it's up to me as far as where MY focus will be after this conversation. What will I do? If the economy was better, I think I'd be looking for another job. But this is where I am now: it's up to me to focus on the positive. To look for the good, expecting to find it.

Walking Away From Friends

So something I thought interesting from the experience of going to the 20 year reunion last night is how we are able to drift away from friends without even seeing what's happening.  The last time I saw a lot of those people - in person, not on facebook - was May of 91.  Some of them I had seen almost everyday for thirteen years. We waved goodbye, excited that we had made it across that stage, took a few pictures and moved on in our lives... and we didn't notice that it was the last time! Of course we never know when it's the LAST time until it's passed.

And the question of children and spouses did come up.  I finally started saying "not yet" when someone asked if I had kids and how many.

It was interesting to see the people that have never changed. We had our little "real housewives" high school clique well represented. Still bullying, still unchanged. How do you spend 20 years living without changing? without growing?  As I was driving to the reunion, I was thinking about those people and how they had seemed so very important / scary in HS - I'd seen some posts from the happy hour that was held on Friday and had some idea as to what to expect. As I was driving, I thought of that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, you know the "inferior without your consent" one.  I've always kind of thought that was a stupid thing to say but I think it clicked for the first time. I decided to be very proactive in not giving a damn what these people thought.

I had a great time seeing old friends - although there were a great many people I did not recognize at all. Thank God for name tags! It was actually comical to see people trying to look at the tags out of the corner of their eye and then act as if they'd recognized you.

Friends for 30 years...

I'm glad I went. I need to be more aware of allowing friends to drift away. Real friends are way too rare to lose!

20 Year Reunion

Tomorrow evening is my 20 year HS Reunion.  So NOT where I thought I'd be at this point in my life 20 years ago!!  At the center of that is going back to face those people unmarried with no children.  (You might need to be facing your 20 year reunion to catch the reference...)

I have stressed over what to wear, had the mani/pedi and wax and arranged to have my hair done. When I graduated HS I was a size 18 and am now comfortably in a 12.  I've accomplished many goals professionally and personally; however, what I'd consider the most important of all my goals is not even close to coming true.

My prayer as I go to sleep tonight: please Lord, this cycle; please Lord, this time.

Hello Choice Mom World!

I have been trying to get ready to get pregnant for almost two years.  I propositioned my gay best friend, worked to pay off a huge debt that I foolishly created and last, but not least, have lost the weight my OB recommended when I first started discussing this choice.  

I am getting older - 38 and turning 39 in November.  Life hasn't followed the pattern I was led to believe as a child that it would.  In my imagination - at this point - there was a husband first.  But life sometimes throws us in directions we'd never dreamed.  My clock has gotten very loud!!  I believe that some part of me is still a bit scared and grieving the dream that an unknowing child held.  I am scared that maybe those that are saying this is a bad idea are right.  Maybe I won't be a good mother.  Maybe I'll be horrible.  I teach children every year that have nightmarish parents.  Maybe I won't be able to work out the financial aspect.  Being a single mother with no support is hard!  I put every cent I had into debt to recover from some really horrible choices I made; now, I am trying to save as much as I can. But what if this is another bad choice?  Maybe I won't be able to handle the emotional aspect of being alone.  I'm grieving that pretend wedding, husband and family that I thought was a certainty when I was little...  And from what I've read this is normal behavior.  But I just don't know...  No one I know has taken this journey.

My parents aren't thrilled about this - well that's putting it mildly.  They're unhappy and probably actively praying that I change my mind.  Friends tell me that everything changes when there is actually a grandchild to hold and love.  My brother and SIL have offered their opinion that this would be against the laws and will of God - so I fully expect that relationship to be cut off.  I haven't found that there is much of a point in continuing to try and have a discussion with someone that believes sincerely he or she knows God's final will.    What I keep asking myself, however, is how am I going to feel in 20 years not having done this because I don't want to hurt my family...  I can't let go of this dream.  It's too important!

So I've read everything I can get my hands on about being a Single Mother By Choice.  I've looked at all kinds of websites.  I've been trying to get myself in pregnancy shape.  In the last two years I've lost 65 pounds and paid off all but my mortgage. I am saving but not as much as I'd hoped.  Recently I've hit a bit of a snag with the doctors' offices: one wouldn't speak to me after they found out I was single - literally was hung up on - and another wouldn't continue speaking to me after I told them I wanted to use a known donor.  I have really been encouraged by the blogs I've been reading and decided to start my own.  I'm going to be trying at home insemination with my known donor in August and will hope to beat the odds - I know it's naive but I've read stories of some that have had success!