Sadness

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. 

It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” 

~Elizabeth Stone

I think that I have my answer for now.  I think I was pregnant and I think I'm losing him...  I know that there is some bleeding sometimes during the first trimester but I don't think that's what this is. All the hurt, confusion and ups and downs before this pales in comparison to what this feels like. I feel so out of control. I feel like my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do.  I know intellectually that there is nothing I could have done but I can't seem to believe it. I don't want this. I want to go back 24 hours or even 8 hours to where I was thinking about what might be happening. Some days, life really, really hurts.

I guess that the risk of having your heart broken starts as soon as you start to try to conceive - even before that child is, the dream has a life of it's own.

Confused

My friends are always giving me a hard time because I am so very literal. If someone says he or she is going to do something, I consider it done. 

If you are over a week late in having your period and are having other symptoms then shouldn't the test reflect that?? Because it doesn't. When I tested yesterday, it was negative.

And so I did what I imagine we all do - cried a bit and then went searching for answers online. There's a lot of scary information online. If you are more than a week late with a negative test it could mean an ectopic pregnancy.  Um, no, please... Or there is the chance of a hysterical pregnancy - I don't feel crazy, but then I would hardly be the best person to ask, would I??

All the info I read said call your doctor. Which I did this morning and his office said that it isn't unusual to have a pregnancy test give a false negative.  They don't seem concerned at all. Well, it's not like this is happening for the first time to them! They probably get this everyday. But for me this is a big deal!! I. Don't. Know. What's. Going. On. I have an appointment next Friday morning - late morning, second week of school and I'm asking to leave in the middle of the day - my principal so did not love that... 

Confusing - because there is supposed to be an order to this. I hadn't been feeling any real urgency to take the test because I knew I was pregnant. I'm never late, I know my cycle, etc... Also, I have never tested well when using fertility monitors or OPKs.  I was afraid I wasn't ovulating at all anymore based on the - not so clear or easy but still blue - fertility monitor I was using in the spring. The doctor tested my levels and everything was fine. But now I am wondering again if maybe I drink too much water to get accurate levels for both the LH and the hCG. Sorry if that's too much information.

S e-mailed me yesterday. It was really sweet - not at all the "how dare you leave me hanging when you'd told me two weeks" message that I deserved. He just said that he missed visiting and could I drop him a line or give him a call as soon as I had a chance.  He was so great. I really have missed visiting with him. I wish we lived closer together. I told him what was going on and he was very matter of fact that if this doesn't work out we'll try again. I just hadn't wanted to call until I knew for sure one way or the other. What a relief to hear him say we'd try again! He and his partner just met a gay couple that have two kids with a lesbian couple and it was interesting to hear about the family dynamics and how they ended up getting pregnant. It kind of makes this feel a bit more normal to hear personally about someone else's journey.

I remain convinced that I am exceedingly blessed in my friends. I have quite a few friends locally that have been so patient to talk me through the panicky times. Try to keep calm and centered... In positive news, if I'm pregnant, my baby has four chambers in his now pumping heart and will be hard at work as the major organs start to develop this next week. He'll have eyes, nose and the beginnings of ears, arms and legs. Wow! Unbelievable!

Hopeful

I am still hopeful...

Today stunk at school.  By the end of the day I went to my classroom and cried.  I had a lonely day and these might possibly be the worst fifth grade classes I've ever had. They have been getting progressively worse over the past 14 years. But these kids were more blatantly disrespectful than any others I've seen.

But, in spite of the crappy first day of school, I should be in week five now.  It is truly amazing to read online what is supposed to be happening if I truly am in my fifth week. I was looking yesterday at the size comparisons - last week was a sesame seed and this week's is a poppy seed.  In the fifth week, the heart actually starts to develop chambers and begin to pump blood!! 

It is truly miraculous and that is far more pressing than the behavior of these children... 

Life's Funny...

The first time I ever discussed this very situation with S - just in passing - was sixteen years ago.  I had just found out a few months before that he and my best friend at the time were gay. 

S and I weren't close at that time. In fact, he intimidated me; he seemed super smart. He was the best accompanist at our university while he was still a student. But his partner was my best friend and I wasn't giving that up just because they inexplicably moved to Little Rock. My voice teacher told me not to be stupid. They're gay. But that idea was completely out of my realm of thinking. I'd never considered that the people at our small Christian school could be gay!! I finally got up the courage to ask J and he was honest with me. I was stunned and didn't talk to them again for probably two or three months. When school started again, a friend and I drove down to LR to visit them. Because she was there and they weren't out to her, they gave a stellar straight performance that had me thoroughly confused by the time we drove back to school. I remember calling them and asking, you are gay, right? J laughed and said they'd had lots of practice hiding it.

The next time I drove down to visit I was by myself. They were still very careful in front of me. Each time I'd visit things would get a little more relaxed but I think it was still over a year before they did anything so scandalous as to kiss when I was in the room.  

S has always been one for big gestures. He likes expensive things: food, wine, electronic equipment, etc... He wants the best and likes to celebrate. He also likes to have big discussions over dinner. There we were in a nice - well, college nice - restaurant and he decided we were going to deal with the elephant in the room. He turns to me and wants to know what questions I might have and I'm mortified that we're discussing this in public!! (It had only been six months or so, I had changed some or I wouldn't have been at that table... just not very much.) 

Then in the parking lot, teasing me, S asked if I'd have their baby when they decided they wanted one. Fourteen years later I turned the question back on him.

Two years later and my fingers are crossed. I'm aware a lot could still go wrong. But today all indications are still positive.

By the way, a couple of times I've had someone from Germany reading my blog... 

It's a bit strange to think of my thoughts being read by someone in Europe. 

My HS German is really poor - I took it more to get the diction down for the Lieder - and I do realize you probably speak English more properly than we do here... But I want to try:

Um mein Freund aus Deutschland:

Willkommen und vielen Dank

So Very Close

Today is two weeks... Today is two weeks. Today is two weeks!!!

And a friend told me that I should wait to test until I am a week late... I also read that online. Which I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around the "weeks" thing.  I think this counts as wrapping up week 4? It's weird to me to start two weeks prior to.  So I guess that's another week to hold my breath through!

The last time I had a cycle longer than 26 days was a year ago. So I'm hopeful. Yesterday I was sure - I just felt that I was pregnant and actually put it in writing in an e-mail to a friend - but a phone call reminded me that there is still a lot of time for things to go very wrong.

This is especially good news as the school I'm assigned to remains a very stressful situation. My former supervisor was very laid back - so long as everyone was doing their jobs, he wasn't too concerned about the details. This man has rules for every little thing. My schedule is a mess - I have 50 minutes of duty every day and my planning period is all chopped up. I am very grateful to still have a job. But this is going to be a very big adjustment. I'm used to being treated respectfully and valued. Now I have to re-prove myself for the administrators.  This new school is lonely. I was tired at Meet the Teacher tonight; tired of seeing strangers' faces.

Please, please, please

I am saying that constantly right now.  Hand over lower abdomen, begging that my imagination is not contriving all the symptoms... Begging God for the chance that I really am pregnant and wishing that I could skip to next Monday (which will be the first day of school and I haven't ever wished to fastforward to the first day of school! There's a lot to do between now and then!) But the longest cycle I've ever had is 30 days and that would mean starting on Sunday - if I can make it to next Monday, I'd think that'd be time to get excited!

This morning I didn't feel sick to my stomach when I first woke up, but after I got to school for training I started to feel a bit queasy and the smell of coffee - which I normally love - was really not pleasant. I am hoping that these are confirmations that I am pregnant.

I think I see why someone might have a hysterical pregnancy: when you want this so very badly, it seems that every little detail is magnified.  I wonder if I felt sick because I hoped I'd feel that. I just don't know. If will alone could make me pregnant then I think I'd have it covered.

Jury is still out...

Yesterday I was sure I'd be getting my period any day now. The cramping, backache, etc... - I just knew I'd not succeeded. But last night I discovered a sensitivity in my chest that makes me wonder if I didn't jump the gun in assuming I haven't conceived...

I also had several people tell me stories that they had even seemed to have periods during the first couple of months of pregnancy.

So now I'm back to feeling hopeful and maybe a little concerned that these mood swings may make me seem like I'm bipolar!!

Feeling Blue Today

So this morning I woke up to a familiar back ache - not one that I've been trying to attribute to implantation or any other crazy thing. This ache is accompanied by cramps and the knowledge that early next week, my cycle will be starting again.

In a nutshell, I failed.

And I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not even. But I was so hoping. I was so hoping that in this I would be lucky, blessed, unbelievably fortunate. I was clinging to the stories I've read from those that were successful on that first try. The ones that beat the odds; so, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm younger than some that I've read about. My FSH level is great, my hormone levels were all fine...  But I didn't.

So many people knew exactly why I was going to visit S in GA. Now comes the process of telling them all that 'no, it didn't happen.' I'll need to call S and say a big thank you for what you did but can we please reschedule that? Would you by any chance be willing to come here - because I can't leave on the Friday of the first week of school. I can't believe I didn't use my opportunities better this summer!

I feel kind of empty, a bit angry, a little like I'm the punch line to a joke.  It hurt earlier this summer to lose the school I'd been at for years to someone new to the district. But I knew that the job - wherever it was - did not hold the importance of this goal. The only clearly pertinent detail with the job is that as a single parent I needed to hold on to one. Wherever they assigned me to teach, I need to do well there regardless of where it is. It still hurt to know that the perfect opportunity seemed to be lost but it was not in any way as big a deal as this. This hurts - and it sounds stupid to feel so hurt when I know it wasn't truly real outside of my head. It doesn't just sound stupid - that actually sounds crazy, doesn't it??

And I know, that I can try again.  This is just a "bump in the road" after all. I can handle the embarrassment of calling S, admitting that it didn't work and asking for his help again.  And there's just the tiniest part that is hoping I'm wrong and I don't start my cycle next week.

There are at least two choice moms that I've been reading the blogs of that have received blows in the last 24 hours. Shannon at Chasing Rainbows has just learned that her precious 3 month old has a tumor on his lung. Claire from With All My Heart had her beautiful Carys not pass her hearing tests.  My heart breaks for them.  These ladies have a right to be beating on God's door...

waiting... and change

So I was speaking with someone at work today - the retail store that's my part time job, not the school - and she said how important that she thinks it is to have positive thinking.  I am naturally more of a "brace myself for the fall" person and have been trying not to get too excited at the chance that this worked.  At the same time, all of the stories I've read of successes on that initial try are playing on a loop in my head.

And I am still having bizarre dreams. Monday, I dreamed I had a miscarriage. Wednesday, I dreamed that I had twins - a boy and girl - I spent the dream veering between excitement of having a complete family in one go and panic as to how I was supposed to take care of them on my own. This morning I'd dreamed that my family found out I was pregnant and threw me out (metaphorically speaking). My sister - with whom I have a strained relationship anyway - was particularly awful and my brother refused to speak with me at all... The dream concerning my siblings may not be all that far from reality, but this chance is worth the sacrifice. I hope and pray my parents will come around.  If this past week worked, the due date is my father's birthday. How could he not love having a grandchild born on his birthday??

I think some of my worry is coming from a conversation I had with one of my friends in GA. I reminded him that we would have just been meeting twenty years ago this month at college. Then I said "I wonder what that eighteen year old would think of me now?" Without really expecting an answer, more of a rhetorical question or comment... Not missing a beat, J said "she'd be appalled!" Which shocked me. I guess it shouldn't have because I know I've changed drastically. He added, "That eighteen year old was who your sister and brother are today..." And when I put it under that microscope, there's no question about it. I'd have been appalled at my behavior. 

"Who can say if I've been 

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been 

Changed for the better ...

Because I knew you,

I have been changed for good."

This is where I should be reflecting on how I've grown, perhaps. I do think that the changes are for the better; however, it seems to be a little scary to think one step at a time I became a complete stranger.

Tight Rope Walking

I find myself in the curious position of trying not to be overly hopeful while still trying to be optimistic.  

I mean the frustrating thing is that I feel like the chances I had this summer holiday were almost wasted. This was it. Originally S told me June was bad timing for him... We had been going to try with the doctor in July but because of miscommunication and bad scheduling the first doctor referred me to others. (I'm not sure why he bothered when there was no way that anyone would be willing to schedule a procedure as quickly as my cycle dictated. I couldn't even get in for a new patient appointment before the next cycle. And then I had to deal with the whole "unmarried with KD? we won't be helping you" conversation.)  

I should have bought a plane ticket and came back here in July to try then.  But I didn't. So we had this last opportunity before the start of school and what happens? I start my cycle earlier than I'd thought I would... 

So now I am hoping and praying that the smallest of odds are being achieved within me. I'm begging God that this is the time - before S turns 40 on Wednesday; before I turn 39 in November.  That no matter how few or many sperm were in the syringes that one was able to make it and that implantation is successful.  I have been trying not to focus on every sensation I am feeling - it's just a back ache, nothing more... right? - and not panic based on the fact that my temperature was a little lower today.  "Do not stress. Just relax." What excellent advice... 

This choice mom/ TTC world is full of acronyms.  I ran across, I think, my favorite one: PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! I have been operating under that assumption since the first try. But this morning I had a nightmare that I had somehow lost my job and then lost the baby - one of those dreams you have after you've fallen back asleep. It feels like it's truly happening; you know you were awake and it's hard to shake when you realize it was, in fact, a dream.

I was trying to explain to S's partner last night how a woman can have a hard time being happy for a friend.  (He has a friend that isn't thrilled that her best friend is recently engaged.) Of course, you're happy when someone gets married or discovers they're pregnant. But it's hard when all you want is that experience and you feel it slipping further away.  

Today, this feels like it's slipping away.  

I was so naive when I started this journey two and a half years ago. I thought getting S to agree to donate would be the difficult bit.  Not hardly... As I read the blogs of others who are traveling this road, I have mixed feelings. So many first tries result in pregnancy and I want to cheer for them while begging for that to be my story!! So many with heart-wrenching stories of miscarriage or failed attempts at home, at IUI, at IVF... The emotional cost, the monetary cost, the cost of putting the rest of your life on hold while your mind revolves on this one seemingly unreachable goal... These stories are heart breaking. I recently read a post from a woman that had decided to give up.  She'd just discovered that her sister was pregnant and was saddened to realize she wasn't happy for her - not one bit.

So my balancing act... 

brace for the fall? 

or optimistically prepare for the most exciting journey of all?

Strange New World

I think perhaps the most surreal experience in my life has got to have been tonight...

Just discussing the logistics of "what's next" this afternoon was difficult enough. But sitting up here and waiting - knowing that my best friend and his lover were going to be performing for me was "curiouser and curiouser" - as if I suddenly took a sharp turn and found myself with a part to play in someone else's life. As if I haven't been preparing for this very moment for over two years!

Then hearing the knock on the bedroom door and facing my dear friend, the man I've known 20 years, as he hands me a syringe with his sperm and apologizes that there isn't more. (I think that moment will stay with me for the rest of my life!!)

That was one of the more awkward experiences I've had. A kiss, he wished me good luck changed it to break a leg (can you tell we're still ultimately performers?)  then finished with I don't really know what to say... And that probably sums it up the best because I don't know what to say either.  I do know I'm very blessed. What an amazing friend I have.

I have read many stories on the blogs from Jellybean Mama's 13 month journey for her home insemination to Jennifer and Tate's done in one.  Obviously, Jennifer and Tate's story is a favorite!!  This cycle is the last one before school starts back.  So I am hoping for a miracle.  Because from what I've read - how many things have to be just so - it is truly a miracle that anyone conceives!

Defying Gravity

[ELPHABA]
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
And leap... 

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

[GLINDA]
Can't I make you understand
You're having delusions of grandeur?

[ELPHABA]
I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love, I guess I've lost
Well if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

Glinda, come with me. Think of what we could do -together!

Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team 
There's ever been - Glinda!
Dreams the way we planned 'em

[GLINDA]
If we work in tandem

[GLINDA & ELPHABA]
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I, defying gravity
With you and I defying gravity

[ELPHABA]
They'll never bring us down!

Well, are you coming?

[GLINDA decides to stay behind.]

[GLINDA]
I hope you're happy
I hope your happy now that your choosing this -

[ELPHABA]
You too--
I hope it brings you bliss

[GLINDA & ELPHABA]
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy my friend

[ELPHABA]
So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!

Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!!