Something New

Shady Grove Reproductive Science Center has very diverse - to me - services within its clinic.  

Monday I had my first session at Pulling Down the Moon - acupuncture to help with fertility.  I was a little wary - it just doesn't sound like a good idea.  I thought it would hurt but my friend that had used SGRSC before told me I had to try it.  I mostly signed up for that first consultation because my friend was there pushing me along.

I was shocked to find that it really didn't hurt.  In fact, it felt pretty amazing and now I'm wondering if I shouldn't do this during the school year to alleviate stress.  I felt wonderful at the end of the session.  The practitioner - what are they called, is she a therapist, a practitioner, an acupuncturist? - suggested that I come in twice a week and, while I'm in MD, I will.  There were also some supplements, teas, herbs, etc... for sale.  I got some COQ10 to take in addition to the prenatal vitamins I've been on.

Today, I had what they call a "social work consult".  I met with a therapist in the clinic for a little over an hour and discussed my background, feelings, how I had come to the decision to take the steps to have a child on my own, why I wanted to use donor sperm, what were my plans for telling my child about how I had used donor sperm to have him.  Some of the questions are a bit moot when you're talking about a single mother or a lesbian or gay couple.  Apparently, there are couples that don't tell their kids they were conceived via a donor.  Not an option for me.  I shared with her what I'd learned from reading some of the many choice mom/ single mom books out on the market.  We talked about my family being so conservative and not being supportive and the fact that this is my life and I have to make decisions that I can live with.  Once when my mother asked me again why I couldn't just wait, I told her that I have limited time and if I pass up on trying to have a child solely to spare her feelings that I'd come to resent her in the future.

I have struggled a bit with the idea of the unknown donor but it finally comes down to do I want this or not?  I shared with the therapist how I had been trying with a KD but that that hadn't worked.  I spoke with her about how I hadn't liked the idea of the unknown with the anonymous donor and the fear or worry of a child not knowing siblings.  I know there is the sibling registry for donor conceived siblings but what about his own family?  He has two sons and a daughter that will be unknown.  (I once saw an episode of Private Practice where a couple they were treating for infertility turned out to be half siblings. Not good!) And, of course, the fact that he has kids of his own is one of the things I liked about this donor!  Does that sound like I'm a bit confused to anyone besides me?  

It was a bit intimidating watching her taking notes and knowing that those notes will be shared with my doctor and ultimately determine if they think I should proceed.  I think it went okay.  One question she asked me was if I was nervous about the idea of being pregnant and having a child.  I can't imagine anyone saying she's not nervous at the prospect of such a life transforming event!  Not if she's thought it through.  And, at school, I have seen so many of the irregularities that there are in kids.  There are so many more diagnoses than cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy or autism.  Not to downplay any of those, I'm just saying that some of the situations I've found these parents and kids in are scary and not well-known.  No telethons for Williams Syndrome...

Tomorrow morning I'll be meeting with the doctor from the clinic to decide what is the best course of action based on the tests that have been run so far.  I don't think the genetic testing will be back until some time next week.  They had said two weeks for that.  I'm not sure how that would affect the decision of IUI or IVF.  Does it?  Or is it instead used as a suggestion to use donor eggs if there's a problem?  I feel like there is so much I don't grasp when I'm speaking with the specialists.  Each one asks if I have any questions and I just sit there thinking I'm not sure I'm synthesising the information I have to come up with an intelligent question.  

When I was reading other blogs today, I saw a really great post about the donor sibling registry that linked a very short documentary about donor siblings.  It was really interesting and thought provoking.  It was so interesting to see the siblings and their different moms interacting.

Twisted Journey

So I started off with naively believing that once I decided I wanted a child, once I'd arranged a donor, once I'd paid my debts and planned it out, that the next steps would fall into place.  I thought I'd be able to get pregnant.  I went to a doctor and did the day 3 tests and he said my numbers were "good" so I didn't worry.  He didn't say what my numbers were - I really shouldn't have used the husband of my then principal at school - he sent a note to school with her saying everything looked "good".

The next step was to start TTC.  I look younger than I am.  I guess I thought that would bear out in this area too.  The doctor had assured me that I didn't have a fertility problem - no, my problem was "lack of sex"- never thought I'd hear it put that way.  So I tried with my KD.  

I was brought up in such a conservative home.  I'd been taught that if I did everything the way I was supposed to, that life would work out.  But, as I'm sure you know, that's complete and utter BS.  Great things happen to people that are not checking their boxes and living as they should.  Lousy things happen to people that are trying to take care of their business.  Life can beat you up.

I tried with my KD, trusting that taking the bull by the horns and trying I would come to that inevitable next step.  Unfortunately my donor lives in GA and I live in TX so I wasn't able to try often.  I also didn't see him often enough to realise that he was not interested in making the types of lifestyle choices that someone who is trying to successfully - on purpose - knock someone up should make.  People change when you're not looking: I found out that he was smoking weed, taking percoset recreationally (a friend that works in EMS would pass it out like candy) and he drinks alcohol excessively.  I also later had reason to wonder how safe he was being with his partner.  I'm fairly certain that they had a third join them one night I was there.  I've really been questioning over the last year if he is still a friend at all.

So I tried to bury the implied promise I'd been raised with: God had a husband and family waiting for me right around the bend and I just needed to be patient and make good choices and that would happen.  I'd thought having a KD would be the next best thing: couldn't have a partner but would at least know the "father" and be certain regarding to whom my child was related.  Have the opportunity to someday meet grandparents, etc...  Then I had to go through the process of trying to get over the reality that that wasn't going to be happening either.  I also had to get through another year at the worst school I've ever had to step into.  Needed to try and get in a better frame of mind...

After all, I thought I had time.  My numbers were "good," right?

Now, I am visiting a friend in MD who had recommended the Shady Grove Fertility Reproductive Science Centre.  She had her son through IVF at Shady Grove.  I scheduled my appointment, started looking through donors on the Fairfax Cryobank website, bought profiles, reserved vials and now my numbers are not "good."  My FSH and Estrogen work is a little high. My follicle count a little low. And my AMH is very low.  I have a follow up scheduled for next Thursday to go over the blood work, the HSG and what the next step is.  The nurse over the phone tried to soften the blow by qualifying - "it's little lower than we'd like to see" - however, with internet all I have to do is put in AMH levels in the search engine and I find out immediately that it's not in the "little low" category but the "very low."

I know I'm not the only person struggling with this.  But sometimes it's so isolating.  My brother and SIL think I should accept "God's decision" - if He wanted me to have kids, He'd have provided a husband for me.  I had hoped that my parents would be able to get over it when they had a baby there to love.  I feel like such a whiner.  I know others have worse situations...  But that doesn't seem to help when you're in the midst of the situation.

This has been so rambly and I'm pretty sure after not posting for a over a year no one will read this, but I just needed to tell someone.  After I got the nurse's call and heard the numbers I wanted to cry, to rage, but instead I had to babysit for my friend that I'm staying with.