Chances are...

Chances are never really great that anyone will get pregnant.  At my last doctor visit, the doctor tried to make that as clear as he could. Then to drive it further home how very unlikely this would be he basically told me that there is no way that at home insemination - turkey baster technique - could possibly work.  But I know that it has worked for some.

So no matter what the chances are of it working or not, no matter what the grim realities of the statistics may be, we are going to be trying again next week.  I started my cycle on Sunday, which puts my originally scheduled trip in exactly the right spot.  Although I am wondering about my past cycle being three days longer - cause if this next cycle is longer, that puts the ovulation later.  I wish that monitor would work!  That would help take out some of the guesswork.  

If at first you don't succeed... keep trying!! I've been assured that it's worth whatever trials and traumas it takes.

The Best Laid Plans...

Well... I'm late and disgusted with myself! I thought that the one thing I had going for me - on this trying to get pregnant on my own venture - was that for the past two and a half years as I've tracked my cycles was the fact that I am so very regular.  But the past several months where I had the opportunity to try and make this dream come true have been different. July went like clockwork but I hesitated to book it prior to starting my cycle.  But the next month, I just went for making the plans - because, after all, the last month had been fine.  And that month I was two days early...  So fastforward to now: I booked my airfare for next weekend assuming that I would be starting my cycle on Thursday - I was actually concerned based on how I felt that I might start early on Tuesday.  But today is day 29 - three days late and holding! So I cancelled my flight for next weekend and have discovered that $15 for traveler's insurance would have been better than the $75 cancellation fee.

Sometimes I think that God must be laughing at me.

Next Steps

I have started taking supplements - trying to decide if I should be taking additional folic acid, calcium and fish oil as there's less folic acid and calcium and no fish oil in these than there was in my women's one-a-day pre-natal. Any thoughts?? - and there's a special tea to drink three times each day.

I also had some supplements delivered to S. His supplements were more than mine - there's three different ones. Helps with motility, boosting the count and another area that escapes me at the moment.

I've booked my airfare to ATL for the 1st - 3rd. I've never had Fair Day be so very important! 

Now I just need to start my next cycle like clockwork - which happens sometimes. And sometimes it doesn't.  There are times when I'm early; a handful of times that I was late. A few days late would actually be okay.  Isn't it grand to realize that the stress of hoping that all goes to plan may be the very thing that insures that it doesn't?? I enjoyed irony more when I was reading my lit courses in university than in application to my own life!

Need a New Doctor...

My doctor visit didn't go very well last week... I hadn't realized that my doctor was not just suggesting the CA Cryobank for convenience or whatever. He really, really doesn't like the idea of a known donor. When he asked if I had used "the gentleman's help from Georgia", his tone made it painfully clear that he did not like the idea. 

I had been in to see him in May to get checked - FSH, Progesterone and Estradiol. He claimed to be impressed that I was so very well informed about options and what I needed to do to be ready.  All the tests checked out well. And we had discussed next steps before he referred me to other doctors as he was going to be traveling over the summer.  

But this visit his distaste seemed more overt.  Is it just me or is it really not his job to approve or disapprove the way I want to choose half of the DNA that makes a child??  Why is it that just because I am single, I am disallowed from making the choice to see what I am getting into as far as the father is concerned? 

I understand that there is potential to muddy things up, but S and I don't have that kind of friendship.  He will not be suing (not sure about the spelling on that) me for custody and I'm not going to go after him for support. He is going to be named on the birth certificate and there will never be a time that my child will not be fully aware of who he is. He is me best friend. Even if I was going to go have a baby another way, I'd still expect S to be involved if only because he will be involved in my life...  

I guess justifying / defending myself is something I have to get used to doing. Doing something so unorthodoxly invites criticism. So it's a good thing that I've thought this through and have done so over and over during the past two and a half years.

So I'm going to need a new OB because I would prefer not to face that each visit. Or am I being too sensitive? 

Also, on the advice of one of the SMC bloggers I am looking at supplements. I am trying to look ahead to the next cycle and am concerned that my fertile period is the weekend before I am supposed to be in Atlanta.  Trying to work up the courage, find the money to buy an additional ticket for the Saturday through Monday before I fly in for the pride celebration on Wednesday. Monday is fair day at school - the fair is a big deal in Texas - at least the Dallas area.

Doctor Tomorrow

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I scheduled it last week, I thought, to confirm that I was pregnant. Now it seems really hard to be going for the opposite reason.

It's probably normal to be nervous about what might be said, isn't it?

From what I read online, there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. The fact that I got up and exercised Saturday morning for the first time in a long time has nothing to do with me losing this.  All the stats keep rolling through my head - it was the beginning of the sixth week - a very common time for miscarriage. I didn't do anything wrong. 

Except that what I've read says that something was wrong and while I didn't do anything exactly, maybe something was wrong with my egg... Maybe I should have been taking supplements? Earlier in the week, I picked up an alto xylophone at school to demonstrate for a class - maybe I shouldn't have done that. So did I do something wrong?

But it's not supposed to have been something that could be controlled or altered. If it can't be controlled, how do I stop this from happening next time? How are you hopeful but not building hopes up too high?

And has anyone noticed that in the brilliant timing of the mob on facebook, we now have people claiming to be "weeks along and craving" to raise awareness for breast cancer?  How exactly is that supposed to help breast cancer?? It sure doesn't do me any good - those status updates hurt...

I'm not giving up. One try and done, that was the hope and dream! But I knew the reality was that it could be much harder.  When I called S on Sunday to tell him, we talked about how we'd keep trying.  So now my hopes and prayers move to the next try.

So what will the doctor have to say??