Not this time...

Well I started this evening.  I'd been feeling like I was going to for over a week now.  So I wasn't all that surprised to see this.  What I don't understand is how I have gone from being so very regular that I could almost predict the time of day I'd start to now varying by weeks?  I don't understand why this area that I had thought would be a strength for me is now out of whack.  Is this normal?  What am I doing wrong?

4 days late...

Today is day 30 and my "normal" cycle ranges from 24 - 29 days. Over the past year, I've had more 24-6 day cycles than 27 or 29 - never 28, in 38 cycles which seems weird as that's the "magic number" most reference. But after what happened last month - 29 day cycle - and the cycle before - 9 to 10 days late but a BFN test - I'm trying to stay calm and grounded in reality. I keep expecting that my period will have started but it hasn't yet! I just wish I knew... Two week wait seems a bit of a fallacy - two weeks but actually wait that third week to give the hormones a chance to build up in your system... It seemed much simpler when I was planning this almost three years ago: we'd try at home, I'd miss a period and that would be the "proof" we needed. I'm scared to have another negative test when I'm late. I'm nervous about what that doctor had said - that I want this so badly I will defeat myself.

Still waiting...

Last time I was so very excited to pass the two week wait window...  I was so very hopeful that I might have beaten the odds.

I am still feeling symptoms: cramps, backache, dizziness, a bit sick to my stomach.  So part of me just wishes my period would start already and end this waiting.  But another part of me is hoping and praying every time I go to the bathroom that there won't be any blood - that this month is shaping up to be a miracle.

I just don't know how to balance hope with reality.

AF is coming...

I am feeling pretty bad - cramping, back pain, etc...  I know that getting pregnant isn't an easy thing.  I just feel such a panic about it!  Which of course makes it even more difficult.  

I am also so frustrated about work. I feel like I've been dropped in this horrible school and had my support system ripped out from under me.  Today I had a fifth grade student challenge me in front of his class.  I took up his watch when the alarm went off and he told me he "best get [his] watch back by the end of the day."  If a student had spoken to me at my other schools that would have been an office referral.  I went to see the principal - I haven't gone to see him about any discipline issues, I would think that would count for something - and was met with a closed door.  He always has his office door closed with a don't disturb sign on it.  I'm used to having my principals available.  Not him.  I finally was able to catch him at the end of the day and he told me that the student was obviously "testing me" and needed a detention.  Really?  Testing me? A student?  You think?  Yes please read the sarcasm in there.  Of course he was testing me and he sees that all I can give him, even when I get the office involved, is an fing detention!!  In my last school, I heard the principal ream students out for being disrespectful - tell them that being in class is a privilege and if they're not going to be courteous, they won't be there...  It's a different world here.  It's a LOUSY world in this school.

Yesterday night I was talking to my mother about the amazing stories I've read from others' blogs and how supportive the families are.  How I wished my family could want me to have my dreams too.  Mom said of course she wants that but how about I fall in love and get married first - and I started to be a smart ass.  I started to pop back with the comment, "Wow! What a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that?!?" I just pulled back from saying it.  But I was so annoyed.  Like this was plan A.

In the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers asked if I was losing weight and in the Biggest Loser competition and I told her that I hadn't joined as I'd been hoping for a reason to be gaining weight.  She wanted to know details and I just said I'd been trying with a friend and she wanted to know if my "friend" was a girl.  I replied, "Are you asking me if I'm gay?"  I mean seriously!  Not something I had to go through at my former schools.  She tried to back pedal - no, I just wondered if you were working with a girl (I said it'd be pretty hard to get sperm without some guy involved) - but I told her that although the friend I am trying with is gay I am not.  Then she wanted to know how that works... Seriously, we're not even on a first name basis and you think you can ask questions like that??

And so, tonight, I am feeling yucky as I can feel the symptoms of my period, angry that it seems like - according to the family and others - I don't qualify as a parent in God's requirements even though others are able to keep a Christian belief in God and still get pregnant on their own and disheartened by the lack of friends or even friendliness at work...  Many years ago, I had to take anti-depressants.  I got myself off the meds because I knew that that was not what I wanted to be taking when I was trying to conceive.  I was in such a better place mentally.  Now, I just feel like the security I had has been ripped from me.  Like I'm being taunted with a "Ha, you thought it would work out! Let's see what you try now."

Insecurities and Idiocy

So have you ever been a complete and utter idiot because you were feeling insecure in some way?  If your reality is based on your perceptions and your perceptions are off than your analysis is screwed...  And, you know what, it really doesn't matter that you are being reassured that that is not what's happening - because it is how you feel and that makes it real.  Then again, what if it is real? What if it's even worse? What if you discover that what you thought was the worry isn't nearly as important as what is happening?

Maybe, I shouldn't be so trusting...

Trying Again

Well, it was a bit easier this time.

At least I could look him in the eye when he handed me the syringe.  We tried both yesterday and today.  We're supposed to be trying tomorrow and again on Monday.  I thought since my last cycle was longer than normal, that we should try again late enough that if it is a twenty-nine day cycle it would be at the right time.

Now it is time to hope and pray.  I know I need to be thankful for the fact that S is willing to help me.  I truly am.  I didn't mean to be complaining last time - just venting a bit.

Try again and again...

So, I'm in Georgia and it is PRIDE weekend - which is a big deal to my friends.

I feel a little btw at this point.  I mean I was coming here for PRIDE. I know that. But TTC is much bigger for me than another celebration. Of course, it's more important to me than it is to my friends.  I have a lot more personally vested in a positive result.  

I am trying to follow all the advice that I have been given.  But some is hard - for example, "don't stress over the details - the ones that want it too much, don't conceive" - words from my doctor.  Um, yeah, right... because that makes me feel confident.  That might be great words of wisdom for a couple, just let nature take it's course.  However, when you're single and doing this on your own without having sex, you have to be more proactive!!! Nature isn't going to take any course... There is no "oops, I'm pregnant" possible.

This time isn't any easier than the last.  I had thought that the awkwardness of discussing the mechanics of all this would be done.  I mean we've done this before.  But it's still very hard for me to discuss this with S. I feel very much out of my depth.  

Stewardship Sunday

If you are a regular attender at any church then the word stewardship has gotten encoded with connotations of money raising, pledging, making promises, etc... So today when I looked at the bulletin and noticed that the topic of the sermon was stewardship, I was prepared to be uncomfortable.  

I'm very cautious financially now.  I used to be very open-handed with my money.  Now I am almost miserly in cutting corners so that I can put whatever I can into savings every month - I just don't want to get in trouble again and know that the responsibility of having a child on my own, handling all of the financial tasks without a partner, could be a setup for making some colossal mistakes!  I don't want anyone to be able to say to me "Well, if you just hadn't had that baby, if you'd waited on the Lord, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now!"

So the minister went over many aspects to stewardship - the least of which was financial.  Steward is kind of an old-fashioned word - an odd concept to wrap my 21st century thoughts around.  I don't own this life.  None of this is mine; I'm a caretaker.  I'm supposed to be watching over it in the absence of the rightful owner: God.

A couple of areas really hit home.  

He talked about taking care of one's self.  Proper nutrition and exercise so that I'm in the best condition to do well at whatever I choose to do.  That is something I have been struggling with.  I've been a little depressed and feeling like what's the point in trying and I've gained five pounds.  I haven't been exercising like I should and I'm certain that that has been affecting my mood.

He talked about taking care of your family and the joy of being entrusted with / blessed by God to have children.  And I started to cry.  Not anything showy or big - just tears in my eyes, blinking them back - feeling this ache in my heart, a fear that the joy of having a child is not going to be mine.  The knowledge that most of the people sitting in that church would take it as a matter of course that the fact that I'm single shows God's ultimate decision about my fitness to have a child.

He talked about time: we cannot do it all!  How many times have you heard a minister say don't volunteer for everything on the list, you need to take care of yourself and not try to take on too much?  He very clearly reminded us that if we take on something new, some other area has to give.  There is a finite amount of time that we have to work with.

Financially it hit home, too.  I'm scared to give away any money.  I'm terrified of being in debt again.  I used to donate money for charities, buy elaborate gifts for friends and relatives, buy moderately big items on impulse - I used to sleep through my money management.  The idea of the baby woke me up.  I have a completely different view.  It seems that I am having trouble trusting God financially...