Good News

Well, the doctor said that there isn't anything to worry about.  I kind of feel a little silly for having gone in and panicking.  She said that it was the right choice but it seems to me that I wasted her and my time...  I was very relieved to hear that nothing is wrong.

Perhaps my luck will change at school too?  I discovered last Thursday that my 5th graders were stealing the candy I'd brought to school as rewards for good behavior and the administration's attitude is "why did you put that candy out to tempt them?"  So it's my fault that they stole?!?  (Actually I learned prior to conferences that we don't call it stealing anymore - it's "taking without consent" now.)

But I am so glad that this is one crisis averted!  Now I can go back to focusing on the baby mission!!  I need to visit with my friend and plan the next time we can try.

Scare

So as I was cleaning up on Thursday after the PTA program I found something.  

My heart stopped and I just wanted to quit. To say to God, "I'm done.  I can't take anymore.  I don't understand why this is all happening!!  I don't think you realize how close I am to shattering into millions of pieces!"  

There was a lump.

I waited to get into the doctor and, for the first time I can remember, did not enjoy the clocks being set back - because I just wanted it over with; I didn't need an extra hour to worry!  I did research online - what chance is there of getting pregnant if I have to have treatments... Because I do that - go from finding a lump to thinking about freezing eggs or embryos. 

I had an appointment this afternoon and the doctor is sending me to an imaging center for an ultrasound - not the type I'd hoped to be having about now.  She is cautiously saying that she doesn't think it's a concern but the ultrasound will tell us more information.  

But just having this happen is making me look at my life differently.  I am so careful with my money - which can be a good thing certainly, but part of the point to having financial resources is to use them.  Saturday I went out for lunch - I didn't care that I was sitting in the cafe alone, I wanted to eat there and I wanted dessert.  So I had it.  I need to live.  I want a baby but I need to treasure what I do have and not take for granted that I have infinite time to make my dreams reality.