Scare

So as I was cleaning up on Thursday after the PTA program I found something.  

My heart stopped and I just wanted to quit. To say to God, "I'm done.  I can't take anymore.  I don't understand why this is all happening!!  I don't think you realize how close I am to shattering into millions of pieces!"  

There was a lump.

I waited to get into the doctor and, for the first time I can remember, did not enjoy the clocks being set back - because I just wanted it over with; I didn't need an extra hour to worry!  I did research online - what chance is there of getting pregnant if I have to have treatments... Because I do that - go from finding a lump to thinking about freezing eggs or embryos. 

I had an appointment this afternoon and the doctor is sending me to an imaging center for an ultrasound - not the type I'd hoped to be having about now.  She is cautiously saying that she doesn't think it's a concern but the ultrasound will tell us more information.  

But just having this happen is making me look at my life differently.  I am so careful with my money - which can be a good thing certainly, but part of the point to having financial resources is to use them.  Saturday I went out for lunch - I didn't care that I was sitting in the cafe alone, I wanted to eat there and I wanted dessert.  So I had it.  I need to live.  I want a baby but I need to treasure what I do have and not take for granted that I have infinite time to make my dreams reality.