Hello Choice Mom World!

I have been trying to get ready to get pregnant for almost two years.  I propositioned my gay best friend, worked to pay off a huge debt that I foolishly created and last, but not least, have lost the weight my OB recommended when I first started discussing this choice.  

I am getting older - 38 and turning 39 in November.  Life hasn't followed the pattern I was led to believe as a child that it would.  In my imagination - at this point - there was a husband first.  But life sometimes throws us in directions we'd never dreamed.  My clock has gotten very loud!!  I believe that some part of me is still a bit scared and grieving the dream that an unknowing child held.  I am scared that maybe those that are saying this is a bad idea are right.  Maybe I won't be a good mother.  Maybe I'll be horrible.  I teach children every year that have nightmarish parents.  Maybe I won't be able to work out the financial aspect.  Being a single mother with no support is hard!  I put every cent I had into debt to recover from some really horrible choices I made; now, I am trying to save as much as I can. But what if this is another bad choice?  Maybe I won't be able to handle the emotional aspect of being alone.  I'm grieving that pretend wedding, husband and family that I thought was a certainty when I was little...  And from what I've read this is normal behavior.  But I just don't know...  No one I know has taken this journey.

My parents aren't thrilled about this - well that's putting it mildly.  They're unhappy and probably actively praying that I change my mind.  Friends tell me that everything changes when there is actually a grandchild to hold and love.  My brother and SIL have offered their opinion that this would be against the laws and will of God - so I fully expect that relationship to be cut off.  I haven't found that there is much of a point in continuing to try and have a discussion with someone that believes sincerely he or she knows God's final will.    What I keep asking myself, however, is how am I going to feel in 20 years not having done this because I don't want to hurt my family...  I can't let go of this dream.  It's too important!

So I've read everything I can get my hands on about being a Single Mother By Choice.  I've looked at all kinds of websites.  I've been trying to get myself in pregnancy shape.  In the last two years I've lost 65 pounds and paid off all but my mortgage. I am saving but not as much as I'd hoped.  Recently I've hit a bit of a snag with the doctors' offices: one wouldn't speak to me after they found out I was single - literally was hung up on - and another wouldn't continue speaking to me after I told them I wanted to use a known donor.  I have really been encouraged by the blogs I've been reading and decided to start my own.  I'm going to be trying at home insemination with my known donor in August and will hope to beat the odds - I know it's naive but I've read stories of some that have had success!