In February of 2009 I started thinking about becoming a Choice Mom. I'd just turned 36 in November and was panicked to realize I was getting older, heavily in debt and just heavy full stop. So I started trying to "seize the day" in my life, stopped making excuses for why life hadn't shaped up as I expected and formulated a plan...
Three years later, I am out of debt which is great (and let me tell you, I didn't succeed in that area by borrowing more, cut up your cards federal government, your behavior is disgraceful!) have lost most of my goal - but gained 10 pounds since the school year started - and I'm 39. There is nothing to do about that... No plan can reverse it. It doesn't matter that people tell me they think I'm 25 or 30, I'm not, my eggs aren't young. I had hoped to get pregnant last year and have the baby before I turned 40 - that was the plan. However, plans don't always work out and now I'm beginning to realize why the biggest comment on message boards is that whoever is sharing wished she would have started earlier. I won't be able to meet the goal I'd set of having my child before 40. I know many have safely had babies in their 40s. I hope and pray I can be one of them as I adjust my expectations again.
The past couple of months have been bumpy at school - lots of programs during December, had my iPod stolen by a student (luckily found and returned by his mother) and general problems with class misbehaviors. Some stories are a bit scary - one second grade class devolved into a discussion "why my daddy's in prison" Um... yeah, that wasn't in my lesson plan and 65% of the students' fathers are in prison. I'm anxious about school in a way I haven't been before - I'm about to have my evaluation and there are so many groups I cringe at the thought of having anyone see. I am so scared of being judged incompetent... It's ironic that so many excuses are made for the students but the teachers are expected to perform miracles in the midst of it all. Life has also been a little bumpy at home - I have had a couple of mishaps with my car. Last week, during the first heavy rain we've had in forever, I drove my car into standing water that I hadn't seen until I was in the middle of it and the car's electrical system had shut down.
So... Resolution time again.
(I know I missed January on here but these are mine and here they are for posterity and accountability.)
I resolve... I believe... I know...
1. I need to get back to losing weight, only drinking water and exercising. I know that would also help my mood and with the discouraging aspects my job has had this year, I need every angle I can get.
2. I need to make saving a priority. I can't remember if I said on here, but I quit my second job last November. While I enjoy not having to work 12-3 hour days, I miss having the help in padding my savings account or having the freedom to spend a little extra.
3. I need to get pregnant. That is of course the big hope. I started putting stuffed animals, decorations, picture frames, etc... in the room I've planned to use as the nursery. I was thinking about trying to get some of the jobs done while I'm waiting to succeed. I think it'd be better to get the painting and such done before being pregnant. I wonder if that seems crazy: painting a room for a baby that's not real yet...
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