Twisted Journey

So I started off with naively believing that once I decided I wanted a child, once I'd arranged a donor, once I'd paid my debts and planned it out, that the next steps would fall into place.  I thought I'd be able to get pregnant.  I went to a doctor and did the day 3 tests and he said my numbers were "good" so I didn't worry.  He didn't say what my numbers were - I really shouldn't have used the husband of my then principal at school - he sent a note to school with her saying everything looked "good".

The next step was to start TTC.  I look younger than I am.  I guess I thought that would bear out in this area too.  The doctor had assured me that I didn't have a fertility problem - no, my problem was "lack of sex"- never thought I'd hear it put that way.  So I tried with my KD.  

I was brought up in such a conservative home.  I'd been taught that if I did everything the way I was supposed to, that life would work out.  But, as I'm sure you know, that's complete and utter BS.  Great things happen to people that are not checking their boxes and living as they should.  Lousy things happen to people that are trying to take care of their business.  Life can beat you up.

I tried with my KD, trusting that taking the bull by the horns and trying I would come to that inevitable next step.  Unfortunately my donor lives in GA and I live in TX so I wasn't able to try often.  I also didn't see him often enough to realise that he was not interested in making the types of lifestyle choices that someone who is trying to successfully - on purpose - knock someone up should make.  People change when you're not looking: I found out that he was smoking weed, taking percoset recreationally (a friend that works in EMS would pass it out like candy) and he drinks alcohol excessively.  I also later had reason to wonder how safe he was being with his partner.  I'm fairly certain that they had a third join them one night I was there.  I've really been questioning over the last year if he is still a friend at all.

So I tried to bury the implied promise I'd been raised with: God had a husband and family waiting for me right around the bend and I just needed to be patient and make good choices and that would happen.  I'd thought having a KD would be the next best thing: couldn't have a partner but would at least know the "father" and be certain regarding to whom my child was related.  Have the opportunity to someday meet grandparents, etc...  Then I had to go through the process of trying to get over the reality that that wasn't going to be happening either.  I also had to get through another year at the worst school I've ever had to step into.  Needed to try and get in a better frame of mind...

After all, I thought I had time.  My numbers were "good," right?

Now, I am visiting a friend in MD who had recommended the Shady Grove Fertility Reproductive Science Centre.  She had her son through IVF at Shady Grove.  I scheduled my appointment, started looking through donors on the Fairfax Cryobank website, bought profiles, reserved vials and now my numbers are not "good."  My FSH and Estrogen work is a little high. My follicle count a little low. And my AMH is very low.  I have a follow up scheduled for next Thursday to go over the blood work, the HSG and what the next step is.  The nurse over the phone tried to soften the blow by qualifying - "it's little lower than we'd like to see" - however, with internet all I have to do is put in AMH levels in the search engine and I find out immediately that it's not in the "little low" category but the "very low."

I know I'm not the only person struggling with this.  But sometimes it's so isolating.  My brother and SIL think I should accept "God's decision" - if He wanted me to have kids, He'd have provided a husband for me.  I had hoped that my parents would be able to get over it when they had a baby there to love.  I feel like such a whiner.  I know others have worse situations...  But that doesn't seem to help when you're in the midst of the situation.

This has been so rambly and I'm pretty sure after not posting for a over a year no one will read this, but I just needed to tell someone.  After I got the nurse's call and heard the numbers I wanted to cry, to rage, but instead I had to babysit for my friend that I'm staying with.