If you are a regular attender at any church then the word stewardship has gotten encoded with connotations of money raising, pledging, making promises, etc... So today when I looked at the bulletin and noticed that the topic of the sermon was stewardship, I was prepared to be uncomfortable.
I'm very cautious financially now. I used to be very open-handed with my money. Now I am almost miserly in cutting corners so that I can put whatever I can into savings every month - I just don't want to get in trouble again and know that the responsibility of having a child on my own, handling all of the financial tasks without a partner, could be a setup for making some colossal mistakes! I don't want anyone to be able to say to me "Well, if you just hadn't had that baby, if you'd waited on the Lord, you wouldn't be in the mess you're in now!"
So the minister went over many aspects to stewardship - the least of which was financial. Steward is kind of an old-fashioned word - an odd concept to wrap my 21st century thoughts around. I don't own this life. None of this is mine; I'm a caretaker. I'm supposed to be watching over it in the absence of the rightful owner: God.
A couple of areas really hit home.
He talked about taking care of one's self. Proper nutrition and exercise so that I'm in the best condition to do well at whatever I choose to do. That is something I have been struggling with. I've been a little depressed and feeling like what's the point in trying and I've gained five pounds. I haven't been exercising like I should and I'm certain that that has been affecting my mood.
He talked about taking care of your family and the joy of being entrusted with / blessed by God to have children. And I started to cry. Not anything showy or big - just tears in my eyes, blinking them back - feeling this ache in my heart, a fear that the joy of having a child is not going to be mine. The knowledge that most of the people sitting in that church would take it as a matter of course that the fact that I'm single shows God's ultimate decision about my fitness to have a child.
He talked about time: we cannot do it all! How many times have you heard a minister say don't volunteer for everything on the list, you need to take care of yourself and not try to take on too much? He very clearly reminded us that if we take on something new, some other area has to give. There is a finite amount of time that we have to work with.
Financially it hit home, too. I'm scared to give away any money. I'm terrified of being in debt again. I used to donate money for charities, buy elaborate gifts for friends and relatives, buy moderately big items on impulse - I used to sleep through my money management. The idea of the baby woke me up. I have a completely different view. It seems that I am having trouble trusting God financially...
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