I am feeling pretty bad - cramping, back pain, etc... I know that getting pregnant isn't an easy thing. I just feel such a panic about it! Which of course makes it even more difficult.
I am also so frustrated about work. I feel like I've been dropped in this horrible school and had my support system ripped out from under me. Today I had a fifth grade student challenge me in front of his class. I took up his watch when the alarm went off and he told me he "best get [his] watch back by the end of the day." If a student had spoken to me at my other schools that would have been an office referral. I went to see the principal - I haven't gone to see him about any discipline issues, I would think that would count for something - and was met with a closed door. He always has his office door closed with a don't disturb sign on it. I'm used to having my principals available. Not him. I finally was able to catch him at the end of the day and he told me that the student was obviously "testing me" and needed a detention. Really? Testing me? A student? You think? Yes please read the sarcasm in there. Of course he was testing me and he sees that all I can give him, even when I get the office involved, is an fing detention!! In my last school, I heard the principal ream students out for being disrespectful - tell them that being in class is a privilege and if they're not going to be courteous, they won't be there... It's a different world here. It's a LOUSY world in this school.
Yesterday night I was talking to my mother about the amazing stories I've read from others' blogs and how supportive the families are. How I wished my family could want me to have my dreams too. Mom said of course she wants that but how about I fall in love and get married first - and I started to be a smart ass. I started to pop back with the comment, "Wow! What a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that?!?" I just pulled back from saying it. But I was so annoyed. Like this was plan A.
In the teacher's lounge, one of the teachers asked if I was losing weight and in the Biggest Loser competition and I told her that I hadn't joined as I'd been hoping for a reason to be gaining weight. She wanted to know details and I just said I'd been trying with a friend and she wanted to know if my "friend" was a girl. I replied, "Are you asking me if I'm gay?" I mean seriously! Not something I had to go through at my former schools. She tried to back pedal - no, I just wondered if you were working with a girl (I said it'd be pretty hard to get sperm without some guy involved) - but I told her that although the friend I am trying with is gay I am not. Then she wanted to know how that works... Seriously, we're not even on a first name basis and you think you can ask questions like that??
And so, tonight, I am feeling yucky as I can feel the symptoms of my period, angry that it seems like - according to the family and others - I don't qualify as a parent in God's requirements even though others are able to keep a Christian belief in God and still get pregnant on their own and disheartened by the lack of friends or even friendliness at work... Many years ago, I had to take anti-depressants. I got myself off the meds because I knew that that was not what I wanted to be taking when I was trying to conceive. I was in such a better place mentally. Now, I just feel like the security I had has been ripped from me. Like I'm being taunted with a "Ha, you thought it would work out! Let's see what you try now."
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