So this morning I woke up to a familiar back ache - not one that I've been trying to attribute to implantation or any other crazy thing. This ache is accompanied by cramps and the knowledge that early next week, my cycle will be starting again.
In a nutshell, I failed.
And I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not even. But I was so hoping. I was so hoping that in this I would be lucky, blessed, unbelievably fortunate. I was clinging to the stories I've read from those that were successful on that first try. The ones that beat the odds; so, why shouldn't I? After all, I'm younger than some that I've read about. My FSH level is great, my hormone levels were all fine... But I didn't.
So many people knew exactly why I was going to visit S in GA. Now comes the process of telling them all that 'no, it didn't happen.' I'll need to call S and say a big thank you for what you did but can we please reschedule that? Would you by any chance be willing to come here - because I can't leave on the Friday of the first week of school. I can't believe I didn't use my opportunities better this summer!
I feel kind of empty, a bit angry, a little like I'm the punch line to a joke. It hurt earlier this summer to lose the school I'd been at for years to someone new to the district. But I knew that the job - wherever it was - did not hold the importance of this goal. The only clearly pertinent detail with the job is that as a single parent I needed to hold on to one. Wherever they assigned me to teach, I need to do well there regardless of where it is. It still hurt to know that the perfect opportunity seemed to be lost but it was not in any way as big a deal as this. This hurts - and it sounds stupid to feel so hurt when I know it wasn't truly real outside of my head. It doesn't just sound stupid - that actually sounds crazy, doesn't it??
And I know, that I can try again. This is just a "bump in the road" after all. I can handle the embarrassment of calling S, admitting that it didn't work and asking for his help again. And there's just the tiniest part that is hoping I'm wrong and I don't start my cycle next week.
There are at least two choice moms that I've been reading the blogs of that have received blows in the last 24 hours. Shannon at Chasing Rainbows has just learned that her precious 3 month old has a tumor on his lung. Claire from With All My Heart had her beautiful Carys not pass her hearing tests. My heart breaks for them. These ladies have a right to be beating on God's door...
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