Tight Rope Walking

I find myself in the curious position of trying not to be overly hopeful while still trying to be optimistic.  

I mean the frustrating thing is that I feel like the chances I had this summer holiday were almost wasted. This was it. Originally S told me June was bad timing for him... We had been going to try with the doctor in July but because of miscommunication and bad scheduling the first doctor referred me to others. (I'm not sure why he bothered when there was no way that anyone would be willing to schedule a procedure as quickly as my cycle dictated. I couldn't even get in for a new patient appointment before the next cycle. And then I had to deal with the whole "unmarried with KD? we won't be helping you" conversation.)  

I should have bought a plane ticket and came back here in July to try then.  But I didn't. So we had this last opportunity before the start of school and what happens? I start my cycle earlier than I'd thought I would... 

So now I am hoping and praying that the smallest of odds are being achieved within me. I'm begging God that this is the time - before S turns 40 on Wednesday; before I turn 39 in November.  That no matter how few or many sperm were in the syringes that one was able to make it and that implantation is successful.  I have been trying not to focus on every sensation I am feeling - it's just a back ache, nothing more... right? - and not panic based on the fact that my temperature was a little lower today.  "Do not stress. Just relax." What excellent advice... 

This choice mom/ TTC world is full of acronyms.  I ran across, I think, my favorite one: PUPO - Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! I have been operating under that assumption since the first try. But this morning I had a nightmare that I had somehow lost my job and then lost the baby - one of those dreams you have after you've fallen back asleep. It feels like it's truly happening; you know you were awake and it's hard to shake when you realize it was, in fact, a dream.

I was trying to explain to S's partner last night how a woman can have a hard time being happy for a friend.  (He has a friend that isn't thrilled that her best friend is recently engaged.) Of course, you're happy when someone gets married or discovers they're pregnant. But it's hard when all you want is that experience and you feel it slipping further away.  

Today, this feels like it's slipping away.  

I was so naive when I started this journey two and a half years ago. I thought getting S to agree to donate would be the difficult bit.  Not hardly... As I read the blogs of others who are traveling this road, I have mixed feelings. So many first tries result in pregnancy and I want to cheer for them while begging for that to be my story!! So many with heart-wrenching stories of miscarriage or failed attempts at home, at IUI, at IVF... The emotional cost, the monetary cost, the cost of putting the rest of your life on hold while your mind revolves on this one seemingly unreachable goal... These stories are heart breaking. I recently read a post from a woman that had decided to give up.  She'd just discovered that her sister was pregnant and was saddened to realize she wasn't happy for her - not one bit.

So my balancing act... 

brace for the fall? 

or optimistically prepare for the most exciting journey of all?