“Making the decision to have a child is momentous.
It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
~Elizabeth Stone
I think that I have my answer for now. I think I was pregnant and I think I'm losing him... I know that there is some bleeding sometimes during the first trimester but I don't think that's what this is. All the hurt, confusion and ups and downs before this pales in comparison to what this feels like. I feel so out of control. I feel like my body is betraying me and there is nothing I can do. I know intellectually that there is nothing I could have done but I can't seem to believe it. I don't want this. I want to go back 24 hours or even 8 hours to where I was thinking about what might be happening. Some days, life really, really hurts.
I guess that the risk of having your heart broken starts as soon as you start to try to conceive - even before that child is, the dream has a life of it's own.
Awwww Mer...I'm so very sorry. I know how very much you wanted this. Sending prayers and hugs your way this difficult day. Please, please don't let this derail your plans. And I hope you will contact me via email, as I think I may be able to send you some great information that was beyond helpful in my journey...books I read and lived by, vitamins BOTH Christian and I took, acupuncture, diet and a variety of other things.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself!
Jennifer (cjendds@hotmail.com)
I am sending you so much love Mer and understanding your pain. Be kind to yourself and do what you can to remain hopeful. If you need anything...
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jen
ReplyDeleteI know you understand. I don't know how you survived this so gracefully...
I've gone back and reread what you wrote several times.
Thanks again for being so very brave and sharing your story. You already have been a big help.
I didn't really think it would magically happen the first try - hoped it would, though - is that really stupid?? So we just try again, right? And hope.
It's hard to believe that this isn't my fault, somehow. I know it in my head, but I don't think I believe it, you know? Not in my heart.
Thanks so much.