waiting... and change

So I was speaking with someone at work today - the retail store that's my part time job, not the school - and she said how important that she thinks it is to have positive thinking.  I am naturally more of a "brace myself for the fall" person and have been trying not to get too excited at the chance that this worked.  At the same time, all of the stories I've read of successes on that initial try are playing on a loop in my head.

And I am still having bizarre dreams. Monday, I dreamed I had a miscarriage. Wednesday, I dreamed that I had twins - a boy and girl - I spent the dream veering between excitement of having a complete family in one go and panic as to how I was supposed to take care of them on my own. This morning I'd dreamed that my family found out I was pregnant and threw me out (metaphorically speaking). My sister - with whom I have a strained relationship anyway - was particularly awful and my brother refused to speak with me at all... The dream concerning my siblings may not be all that far from reality, but this chance is worth the sacrifice. I hope and pray my parents will come around.  If this past week worked, the due date is my father's birthday. How could he not love having a grandchild born on his birthday??

I think some of my worry is coming from a conversation I had with one of my friends in GA. I reminded him that we would have just been meeting twenty years ago this month at college. Then I said "I wonder what that eighteen year old would think of me now?" Without really expecting an answer, more of a rhetorical question or comment... Not missing a beat, J said "she'd be appalled!" Which shocked me. I guess it shouldn't have because I know I've changed drastically. He added, "That eighteen year old was who your sister and brother are today..." And when I put it under that microscope, there's no question about it. I'd have been appalled at my behavior. 

"Who can say if I've been 

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been 

Changed for the better ...

Because I knew you,

I have been changed for good."

This is where I should be reflecting on how I've grown, perhaps. I do think that the changes are for the better; however, it seems to be a little scary to think one step at a time I became a complete stranger.